


Book Of The Month

by surfaces



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: 90's Music, 90's songs, Also fluff, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Art, BB is a pupper, Blow Jobs, Crying, Crylo and Shux, Eventual Smut, Freeform Kylux, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Hux runs a book store, I promise, Kylo is an art student, Kylux - Freeform, Let's not act like that's a surprise, M/M, Millicent is a little shit, Millicent knows what she's doing, Modern AU, Ok not evil, Painting, Panic Attacks, Phasma Ships It, Phasma is stirring the pot, Poe is the evil ex, Romantic Fluff, Slow Burn, Soft Hux, Strip Tease, Stripping, Students, T is for Transformative Work, Tags will be updated, Writing, also a hipster, art school au, because of course he is!, book store au, but a bit of a dick, description of panic attacks, dub-con that isn't actually dub-con, just warning you now, music porn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-06
Updated: 2017-06-30
Packaged: 2018-09-29 21:57:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 27,808
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10145333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/surfaces/pseuds/surfaces
Summary: Music and books, they make the world go 'round.Their worlds, anyway.





	1. Back To School

**Author's Note:**

> UPDATE: CURRENTLY ON HIATUS WHILE I AM WORKING ON KYLUX REVERSE BANG COMMITMENTS. Never fear, dear readers. Normal service will resume asap!

**Kylo’s playlist:**

"Local God" - Everclear

"E-Bow The Letter" – REM

"Overkill" – Colin Hay

"Bull In The Heather" – Sonic Youth

"Man In The Box" – Alice In Chains

"Teardrop" - Massive Attack

 

“ _Be my Romeo,_  
_Tell me all about your love,_  
_Tell me all about your pain,_ _  
__Baited breath and rubber gloves...”_

 

Kylo fidgeted with the earphone he wasn’t currently using, only half listening to his professor droning on and __on__ about under-appreciated artists and the “joy of the obscure”. He huffed a small sound of indignation; as if these plebs knew anything about the obscure. They probably still thought Damien Hirst and Banksy were edgy. Why they were even discussing this, Kylo had no idea. They’d been working on a completely different brief until he arrived. A new professor, a last-minute replacement after the usual guy called in sick a few weeks back. Not surprising; he was so old and decrepit it was amazing he was still standing and hadn’t just turned to dust already. All his art school professor were the same; boring, tweedy, and old-fashioned.

 Kylo wasn’t sure at all about the replacement. He was eager and easily excited, keen to know every detail of what you were working on. Kylo preferred keeping his own council, sitting alone with his music on until he found himself needing guidance. Even then, he’d approach his professor, ask his question as quietly as possible, then retreat. He’d cut his hand off before he raised it for help as often as some of his classmates. Much to Kylo’s chagrin, the man had taken to walking around the perimeter of the room and hanging over Kylo’s shoulder to watch him work. Sometimes silently, sometimes offering advice, _always_ annoying. He was in college for fucks sake, he didn’t need someone holding his hand.

 Sheets of paper were making their way around the class, passing from row to row and eventually filtering back to Kylo in his corner. _Wow_ , he thought, _this is every bit as uninspired as I expected._ The brief boiled down to: Find a relatively obscure artist, study their work, write an essay about it. Scintillating stuff. He crammed it into his notebook as he dragged himself out of his chair and joined the crowd filtering out of the classroom. He could hear his classmates chatting about the artists they might choose, names like Hussar, Ryden, and McPherson floating back to him. How original. Were _any_ of them capable of looking further than Instagram for inspiration? No, they were happy to accept whatever dross websites like Deviant Art and Tumblr spoon-fed into their subconscious. He rolled his eyes, ramming his earphone back in and pushing past them to stalk into the rain.

 Research was Kylo’s favourite part of a new project. Even if he wasn’t particularly enthralled with the subject matter, he enjoyed the challenge. Finding inspiration in the strangest of places then developing ideas over and over until he was sick of looking at them but knew he was so, so close to _it. The_ idea. The one that he would spend weeks and months agonising over, pouring blood, sweat and tears into, sometimes literally, until he was...well, as close to happy as any artist ever is with their work. The sleepless nights and hungry days would all be worth it when he finally added the final brushstroke and called it quits. Part of him had learned to tolerate deadlines; he never felt his work was quite finished, but meeting hand-in dates had taught him to learn to live with _good enough._ It was almost freeing, in a way. Like he could abdicate responsibility for the quality of his work. If one of his professors felt his work was lacking in some way, well then that was their fault for not giving him enough time.

 Time was most definitely not on his side with this brief. He only had a week before he had to present his initial research, and he still had to find an artist to write about. He felt a stab of envy about his classmates; if he was willing to compromise his ethics, he could have a name and a rough draft ready to hand over in a matter of hours. But no, that was just not the way he worked. Couldn’t work. Deep down he knew it was pretentious, but he couldn’t bear the idea of doing the same as everyone else, of being part of a crowd and not having anything interesting or unique to contribute. His ex had once called him a hipster, and Kylo had sulked for a week. Partly because he worried it might be true, partly because it was a bit rich coming from a trust fund pseudo-hippy. At least Kylo wasn’t posting mock inspirational tripe on Instagram, though his entire feed _was_ carefully curated to match his particular aesthetic.

 His aesthetic was currently being rained on, which just exacerbated his foul mood. His beanie was soaked through and his hair was stuck to his face, making him agitated and in even more of a rush to get home. He cranked the volume up on Alice In Chains and kicked a puddle, bitterly regretting it when it soaked the front of his jeans.

 

*****

Kylo almost walked right past the bookstore at first, such was his hurry to get to the bus stop and then home to a lukewarm shower and a dinner of instant noodles. It was a flash of orange in the otherwise grey vista that caught his eye, and he turned just as he was almost past the building. The orange blur wove in and out of view, and Kylo just managed to suppress a scream of fright when it leapt right up to the window, showing itself to be a huge ginger cat. Once over the initial shock, Kylo saw he was standing outside a second-hand book store. Usually he wouldn’t darken the doorstep of a shop like that, preferring the ease and simplicity of Amazon shopping, but a bookstore with a sign inside that said ‘ART HISTORY’ felt a bit too portentous to pass up. Or at least that’s what his ex would’ve called it, probably in a swirly, handwritten font. He tugged his earphones out and stepped into the unknown.

 The bell above the door chimed obnoxiously as Kylo edged into the store, trying to make his huge frame smaller as best he could, overcome by that weird feeling everyone gets when they walk into an unfamiliar place alone. Not that it seemed to matter, the man at the counter didn’t even lift his head from his book. Later he would attempt to rationalise it by blaming it on his ‘artistic eye’, but he couldn’t help but stop and stare for a minute, marvelling at the way this guys hair perfectly matched the cat that was currently weaving through his own ankles against his sodden jeans. He made a mental note to apologise for getting the poor thing wet, and made his way towards his section.

 It wasn’t a large store, just really one room bisected by a wall, a counter at the top of the first aisle, opposite the door, but the roof was high and the walls were full to the rafters with books. It was surprisingly imposing, but the ghostly sound of the intro to Massive Attack’s “Angel” made it less so. He turned left at the counter, the employee still not paying him the slightest bit of attention, and down the other aisle to the Art History area. Which kind of turned out to be a shelf. It wasn’t completely without merit, but Kylo was fairly sure “The Private Lives of the Impressionists” wasn’t going to help him much. A few books about graffiti and, strangely, a Banksy-illustrated copy of “And The Ass Saw The Angel” by Nick Cave were the only other books that caught Kylos attention. He was pondering the wisdom of buying the novel when his ears finally picked up an insistent noise, and he turned to see the same ginger cat batting at the arm of the man at the counter. The man who still wasn’t looking up from his book, instead giving the cat an absent-minded scratch on the head before pushing it gently off the counter top.

 Kylo turned away again, momentarily taken aback by the music changing to ‘Pets’ by Porno For Pyros. This situation was getting stranger by the minute. Not that he could complain about the choice in music, but he wasn’t necessarily expecting to hear it in a dusty old second hand bookstore where the friendliest member of staff was a cat. He took a few seconds to let the music wash over him, Perry Farrell’s voice kneading his muscles and loosening his bones just like it always had. Ok, so he might not have found anything to help with his project here, but it had reminded him of a loved song which _almost_ made him smile, so that was enough excitement for one day. Sliding the book back into it’s space, he hummed to himself as he made to leave,

 His moment of distraction proved costly; the cat had obviously tired of trying to engage it’s owner and had instead returned to twine itself around Kylo’s legs, a fact Kylo discovered when he went to walk and found his way blocked. Instead he tripped over the animal and fell, twisting as he went down and landing hard on his ass, head knocking into the shelving behind him. Stars flashed behind his eyes and he felt like his spine had been rammed into his brain.

 “Oh my god, are you ok?” Kylo could barely hear the voice shouting over the pounding in his head, pain and embarrassment making his face flush bright red. A pale face came into view, and through his blurry vision he saw red hair and thought the bastard cat had come back to finish him off. His vision started to clear and he could see the worried face of the previously uninterested employee, who was now staring at him with a worried look in his very blue eyes. _Oh wow,_ he thought blearily, _They’re some blue_ _-ass_ _eyes. They’re, like...cerulean._ He shook his head, trying to bring everything back into focus, and tried to stand up. His vision instantly swam again and he sank back down to the ground, the stranger guiding him by the elbow.

 “I am so, so sorry, sir. That blasted cat, she does this all the time. She’s more bother than she’s worth but she came with the building.” Kylo could tell the man was babbling but he didn’t seem to mind, now that his head was clearing he could make out the clipped English accent. He waved the man away and made to stand again, pulling himself up on the bookcase.

 “I’m fine, honestly, it’s fine” He laughed lightly and instantly winced as it made his head throb. “I can’t honestly say I’ll forgive your cat that easily though.” The man smiled apologetically and collected Kylos bag from where it had fallen.

 “Hmm, you say that now but Millicent has her ways. She worms her way back into everyone’s affections eventually.” He still looked concerned when he looked back to Kylo though, handing him his bag. “Are you sure you’re alright? You still look a bit shaky. Would you like a cup of tea, maybe?”

 Kylo hesitated, knowing he was in a hurry and also rarely in the mood to interact with strangers, but truth be told he _was_ a bit shaken. He was also freezing now that he’d dried off from being out in the rain, and a hot drink sounded damn good right about now.

 “Yeah...yeah, actually that sounds nice. I’m Kylo, by the way.”

 The man smiled again, brighter this time, “Nice to meet you Kylo, my name’s Hux.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you'd like to hear the song that inspired the title of this fic (and loosely the fic itself), it's [here.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jJaT7qQpaqs)
> 
> And the chapter title, [here.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lMPtIhAPnn4)
> 
> Come find me on [Tumblr!](https://surfaces-ao3.tumblr.com/)
> 
> As usual, if you have any questions, comments or concerns, feel free to contact me!


	2. The Shy Retirer

**Kylo’s playlist:**

“Pretty When You Cry” - Vast

“Creep” Stone Temple Pilots

“Barrel of a Gun” - Depeche Mode

“All I Want” - The Offspring

“Give” - Cold

 

“ _You're made of my rib,_ _oh_ _baby,_

_You're made of my sin,_

_And I can't tell where_ _your lust ends,_

 _And where your love begins_ _”_

 

Kylo was unsure if he was doing the sensible thing by following Hux into the back room of his store, but follow him he did, his mothers warnings about going places with strangers ringing in his ears. It was small but had a kitchenette and what looked like the kind of super squashy sofa that you’d never want to get back off if you sat in it too long. Hux gestured to said sofa and told Kylo to have a seat and get comfortable, so he gingerly sank back into the cushions, suddenly very aware of how long it had been since he’d been _truly_ comfortable. His bed, which consisted of a double mattress on some wooden pallets, wasn’t exactly stellar when it came to lumbar support. He allowed his head to roll back against the soft surface, the pressure on the growing lump on his head painful but relieving, like massaging a pulled muscle. He was too busy enjoying the comfort of the couch and the music drifting seamlessly into Portishead’s “Wandering Star” to realise Hux had left the room, come back, and had apparently been speaking to him.

He snapped back to reality, “Hmm? Sorry, what did you say?” Hux didn’t look annoyed at being ignored, if anything he looked slightly amused.

“I was asking how you take your tea. Milk, sugar? Or just black?”

It occurred to Kylo that he’d never tried tea in his life. “Oh, umm...I’ve actually never tried tea in my life.” He was expecting Hux to be surprised, but he didn’t expect him to look _outraged;_ Hux’s jaw had dropped open, and he spluttered when he spoke.

“W-what?! Never...I – I, well. This just wont do!” He turned away and almost threw the mugs and teabags back into the cupboard, and Kylo just watched with a bemused smile as Hux instead brought out delicate china teacups and a different box of teabags. “I am a firm believer in your first proper cup of tea being a special occasion, and I see no reason why yours should be any different.”

Kylo was about to interject and say he really didn’t need a cup of a drink he’d never tried all that badly, but the kettle had clicked and Hux was already pouring water into the cups.

Instead of protesting, Kylo took the proffered teacup, fearing he may crush the delicate china in his large grip, and took a sip. Whether or not he enjoyed the taste he didn’t know, because his lips and tongue were instantly scalded by the hot liquid. He swallowed the bellow that wanted to come out, hissing out a long string of profanities that mingled pleasantly with the sound of Hux giggling at Kylo’s plight. He tugged his sleeve over his hand and wiped his mouth, fairly certain he’d stopped dribbling, then took a minute to take a deep breath and compose himself; he was not much of a fan of being laughed at, and especially not by strangers. Once upon a time he may have thrown the cup in the man’s face and left without a backwards glance. Now, though. Nowadays he tried to be as mindful of his temper as he could be and not let it get the best of him. Breathe deep. Count to ten. Think twice.

 Kylo forced himself to smile and laugh a little, “Well, ouch! I guess I brought that on myself.” He touched his tongue with his thumb, feeling how raw and tender it was, then rubbed the digit against his swollen top lip. Nothing was blistering, that was a good sign. Glancing up, he saw Hux was staring, his cheeks turning the palest shade of shell pink. Kylo’s eyes widened and he looked away before his own face could start blushing. Clearing his throat, he tried to pull the focus away from himself and his stupid injury.

“So, I have to admit; from the way this place and you look,” He said, gesturing from Hux’s neat slicked back hair down to his smart grey shirt and black trousers, “You don’t exactly look like the Porno For Pyros type. You _do_ look like the type to use china teacups, but not teacups that say ‘cyanide’ inside.” Kylo tipped his cup gently towards himself, revealing the calligraphy inside. Craning his neck, he could see that Hux’s cup had ‘arsenic’ written inside in the same font. “So, what’s the deal here? You stuck listening to your workmates playlist and using your girlfriends china? Let me guess: you’d rather be listening to...Mumford and Sons? Adele? Am I close?”

Hux sipped his tea and gave Kylo a look that made him feel like he was being studied. His eyes really were a particularly piercing shade of blue. After a few moments pause he put his cup back down on the arm of his chair and folded his hands in his lap. “Kylo, first know that I am very aware of the irony behind what I’m about to say, but have you never heard the phrase, ‘Don’t judge a book by its cover’? Would _you_ like it if I assumed things about you based on your appearance? _”_ He leaned forward, hand still clasped with his elbows on his knees. “Let me guess: you’re a student of some description, art I’d wager. I bet you still listen to the same music you did as a teenager, angry angsty rock probably. You look the type, anyway. You dress like you want people to think you don’t care about how you look, when it’s very much the opposite. Am I close?” Millicent was looping her way through Hux’s ankles. That combined with the accent gave Kylo the impression he was facing some kind of Bond villain.

This...this was not helping Kylo keep his temper. He wasn’t too sure what he was more indignant about; that someone could so arrogantly presume to know him just by the way he looks, or that they were pretty much right.

“Of course, I could be wrong.” Hux’s mouth curved up in a sly smile.

He sniffed haughtily. “You could be, and _are_ wrong.”

Hux’s smile widened into a grin, and Kylo couldn’t help but notice that it wasn’t the worst smile he’d ever seen. The way it made Hux’s eyes light up a little made his stomach flip a bit.

“SO,” Hux clapped his hands loudly, startling Millicent who fled under Kylo’s couch. “Are we going to sit around and play ‘Guess Who?’ with each other’s personalities, or are you going to tell me what you’re looking for?”

Kylo groaned and rubbed his face. “I don’t even know, to be honest. This project is messing with my head and it’s only been an hour.” He pulled off his hat and ran his fingers through his hair, feeling the agitation growing again. As much as he would refuse to admit it, Hux’s assumptions were eerily accurate, and his painstakingly composed outer shell had been ruined by the rain. Now sitting in a small room with a complete stranger, with all his outer flaws laid bare, it was the stuff he had literally had nightmares about since childhood. Yet here he was, not exactly running from the situation. “I need to do research, so I was looking for a book about an artist that’s...y’know, like, someone less...ugh, I can’t think of the fucking word.”

“Obscure? Unfamiliar? Unknown? Unheard-of?”

“Alright, alright, calm down Human Thesaurus!” They both laughed, and Kylo watched as Hux’s cheeks turned that same shade of pink again. “So yeah, someone less well-known. I didn’t even realise this place was here, I almost walked right past but then I noticed your cat and, well...” He trailed off with a deprecating chuckle, peering down at Millicent’s bushy orange tail peeking out from under the couch. “So that’s it. We have to find someone and write an essay and for once my head is completely blank.” He let his hands drop into his lap, feeling the familiar tremor of fear crawling up his spine. Fear of failure, fear of never being good enough, fear of-

For once, he manage to catch his train of thought before it had time to run away, because he noticed Hux was smiling again, more to himself than at Kylo. More than that, he looked _excited._ His foot was jiggling up and down and he drummed his slender fingers against the chair while he thought.

“Does it have to be someone from a specific movement? Or do you have a favourite movement? Dadaism? Fauvism? Art Brut?” He mistook Kylo’s open mouth and confused expression for unawareness and started explaining, “Art Brut was an English-language term for-”

“No, no, I know what they are,” Kylo interrupted, his face incredulous. “I’m just amazed that _you_ know what they are!”

Hux’s smile was impish. “What were we just saying, about books and their covers?”

Kylo had the good grace to look slightly embarrassed. “Point taken. No, no particular movement or style, just someone relatively obscure. My professor, he’s very ‘Dead Poets Society’, wants us to “find joy in the unknown”.” He made quotation marks in the air with his fingers. “Basically, he’s a pain in the ass.”

Pushing his chair back, Hux stood and walked to the door that led back out into the store. “Come with me. I think I might be able to help you.” He led them to a small flight of stairs that led down towards a pit of gloom, calling behind him, “Oh, and watch your-”

_**BANG** _

“...head. Sorry about that.”

Swearing loudly, Kylo rubbed his forehead where he was sure he’d have a nice lump to match the one on the back of his head. He was starting to think he was in some kind of hidden-camera show, or possibly a very low-budget horror movie. Hux clicked the light on, and Kylo was almost disappointed to find another room of books instead of a torture dungeon. At least then he’d know this excruciating day was nearly over. It was clearly another section to the main store, but many of the books here didn’t look second-hand, and the ones that were old were clearly _very_ old. Nothing was crammed onto the shelves but meticulously arranged and displayed. Some bare, some in dust-jackets, some even in protective boxes. Kylo ran a finger along the spines of a shelf near the entranceway and exhaled a reverent breath. OK it wasn’t the Library of Congress, but even he knew that there was a lot of priceless information within these four walls, and that most of the volumes were worth more than Kylo spent on his rent last year. He looked up at Hux who was standing at the back of the room, and he felt a pang of concern when he saw that he was frowning. He walked closer and saw that Hux was chewing the inside of his cheek, his pale eyebrows knit as though lost in thought.

“Hux? Everything alright?”

“Hmm? Oh yeah, fine. I was just...here,” he handed Kylo the book he’d been staring at. “I thought this might help you.”

The painting on the cover was grotesque; an ethereal face against a black background, somehow sad despite it lacking any discernible expression. Faint streaks of red spread upwards from a bruise-coloured nose, as if blood had been wiped away and left to dry. Kylo ran his fingers across it, half expecting to be able to feel the orange-peel texture of a drinker’s nose. He turned the book gently, reading the spine. The title was simple: “KEN CURRIE” in white letters, and the authors name…

“ _Brendol Hux”_ he read aloud, voice faltering as he took it in. He looked up at Hux. “Is this you, or…?”

“My father, he was something of an art historian. Anyway, I remembered this was down here and thought it might help. Give you something to Google, at least.” He took the book from Kylo and slotted it neatly back on its shelf, crossing the room back to the staircase in a few long strides.

Kylo frowned as they resurfaced on the main floor again, not missing Hux's use of the past tense when mentioning his father. “Is it not for sale, or something?” Hux raised an eyebrow, smiling that foxish smile again.

“Sorry, but I just assumed you didn’t have a spare five hundred dollars just lying about.”

If eyeballs could actually bulge out of a humans head, Kylo’s would have tumbled down the street. “Five hundred dollars?! Was your dad the second coming of Shakespeare?” He squeaked. Five hundred dollars?? That was an insane amount of money as far as Kylo was concerned. He couldn't comprehend dropping that amount of cash on something like a book when he constantly left IOU'S for his landlord and grudged paying more than 30 dollars for a pair of jeans.

Hux’s smile became tight. “Well, among art historians he rather was, now that you mention it.” The air had changed; Hux had seemed eager when they went downstairs, but now he leaned against the door to the backroom and his face was clouded, brows drawn downwards again. As troubled as he looked, Kylo had to note that it suited his angular face and high, sharp cheekbones and countered the soft shape of his mouth and golden-lashed eyes. He reminded Kylo of a marble statue streaked with late afternoon sunlight. “I considered changing my name when I was old enough; didn’t want people think I was riding my fathers coattails, but nothing else ever felt right, and I’m not interesting enough to pull off a pseudonym.”

Kylo could sympathise with that, even if he wasn’t ready to admit it out loud. “I did wonder if it was your first or second name. Mostly cos it’s a pretty weird name.”

Hux’s eyebrows shot up into his hairline. “You’re saying my name is weird? You, whose name is ‘Kylo’?”

He felt his cheeks start to flush, betraying his discomfort with the subject. God damn his fair skin and tendency to blush way too easily. If Hux was unhappy all that was forgotten now, his smile widening with every passing second.

“Oh. My. God. It’s not your real name, is it? Do you already have a pseudonym all picked out, a-a...an art student alias??” He barked with laughter, and as musical as it sounded, it was the straw that broke Kylo’s back.

“Fuck you.” He snarled, spinning and storming towards the door, trying to ignore Hux’s parting volley.

“See you later, Kylo! If that is your real name!”

He got to the door and was forced to stop. “Hux!” he yelled.

“Yes?”

“Come unlock the fucking door!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you'd like to hear the song that inspired the title of this fic (and loosely the fic itself), it's [here.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jJaT7qQpaqs)
> 
> And the chapter title is [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DiVvqTm5tdI)
> 
> I'm still working on including images of my visual inspirations for this story. Ken Currie is a real Scottish artist, one of my favourites, and you can see the work I used for the book cover [here.](https://uk.pinterest.com/pin/486599934715139674/)
> 
> I chose that one in particular because of the way the red across the face reminded me of both the way Kylo Ren's face is slashed at the end of The Force Awakens, and the blood streaks left on Finn's helmet at the beginning.
> 
> Thank you all so much for all your support on the previous chapter of this story and on all my stories! As usual, if you have any questions, comments or concerns, feel free to contact me!
> 
> Come find me on [Tumblr!](https://surfaces-ao3.tumblr.com/)


	3. The Trick Is To Keep Breathing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slight mention of a budding panic attack in this chapter, so please be aware in case you find this upsetting. I'll say it's nothing major though, if that helps.
> 
> Come find me on [Tumblr!](https://surfaces-ao3.tumblr.com/)

**Kylo’s Playlist**

 

“(Get A) Grip [On Yourself]” - The Stranglers

“Pansy” - Paw

“Waiting Room” - Fugazi

“Could You Be The One?” - Husker Dü

“Public Image” - Public Image Ltd

 

 _“Two sides to every story,_  
_Somebody had to stop me,_  
_I'm not the same as when I began,_  
_I will not be treated as property.”_

 

The sunlight burned his eyes as it finally rose high enough to peek over the top of his monitor, illuminating the sickly grey shade of Kylo’s skin and the purple-tinged bags under his eyes. He sank further forward in his seat, partly to mask the glare of the sun and partly to stretch his back out of the hunched position it had been in for the past...he had no idea how many hours. How many days. He’d sat down at his computer to write his essay with what little research he’d managed to cobble together in the few days since he’d stormed out of the book store, and realised an hour in that he was still woefully underprepared. That was days ago. As he was fairly certain his professor had anticipated, researching little-known artists was particularly hard because they were little-known for a reason. There just wasn’t that much information out there, and in Kylo’s case, certainly not on the internet. Every book on his chosen artist cost extortionate prices, and every website just seemed to be full of the same information found on Wikipedia. Accurate it may be, but extensive it wasn’t.

He’d never had to ask for an extension on a brief before. He might cut it fine, but he always made his hand-in days, and having to pull all-nighters to get it done had become common place. Now he only had two days left to finish, and he was out of ideas. He dropped his head into his palms and scrubbed his eyes with the heel of his hands, shoulders shaking with the effort of containing the sob threatening to leak out. He could feel the panic building in his muscles, and he bit down on a knuckle as he took deep trembling breaths, in through the nose and out through the mouth, trying to remember what his therapist had said to him about creative visualisation; picture that which calms him, think about that which calms him, distract himself from the fear. He ran through a list in his head: the smell of the sea where it lapped at the bay outside his mothers house. The texture of a brand new flat wash paintbrush and canvases waiting for gesso. The dusty redolence of old books...

 _Books_. His head snapped around, eyes settling on the small Amazon box sitting by his front door. He’d felt terrible for snapping at Hux and storming out of the shop. Way worse than any encounter with a stranger should leave him feeling. He’d sat down on the bus phone already in hand and bought the contents of the box before he was even home. But would Hux even accept his apology? Kylo chewed his lip as he thought. Hux had no more reason to care about the actions of a stranger than Kylo did, so he might find the peace offering to just be weird. What if he accepted but felt Kylo was just feigning interest in a friendship, using the opportunity to get free information from him, and wanted no part of it? Yes Kylo wanted, no needed his help, but he didn’t want to take advantage of anyone. Neither prospect was particularly palatable, and Kylo was irritated that he actually cared whether or not Hux accepted his apology. As strange as it had been, he’d enjoyed his brief encounter in the book store. His life was sorely lacking in human contact, mostly through choice though not entirely, and his afternoon with Hux had dulled the pangs of loneliness a surprising amount.

He checked the time; almost eight AM, still a bit early. He didn’t know what time Hux opened his shop at, and he hadn’t thought to get the name so he couldn’t even Google it. Easing himself gently to his feet, knees popping and muscles twitching, he stumbled towards the bathroom and the shower, suddenly eager to wash away the shame of the past few days.

 

*******

Kylo didn’t need the other passengers dirty glares to tell him his music was loud enough for everyone else to hear; it was practically too loud for him to bear, vibrating his molars and making the back of his eyes throb, but the louder the music, the better it drowned out the inner voice telling him he was about to make a huge fool of himself. He didn’t do things like this; he didn’t set himself up for failure, didn’t put himself in the position to be embarrassed or made fun of. He didn’t read the comments if he posted his artwork online and never shared photos of himself. He didn't even attach his real name to things so if his art work went down like a lead balloon he could stay separate from the whole experience. He didn't let people in, and he certainly didn't welcome close interactions like he used to.

Despite the throbbing music vibrating his skull like a violent pulse, Kylo's thoughts slipped to a time he liked to think of as _Before_. Everything in his life was split into three categories: _Before_ , _During_ , and _After_ his ex. He didn't like thinking of _Before_ , and during was even more painful to remember. _Before_ , Kylo had been a shameless flirt. He was witty, quick, and sharp as a tack with a cheeky grin that opened his face like sunbeams. _Now_...now he couldn't imagine behaving like that; flirting unabashedly with the check-out girl at the Mini Mart, making a show of dragging his eyes down the cute new bartender he was training at the Death Star and revelling in watching him blush. No, opening himself up like that would only welcome failure. He couldn't welcome the easy interactions like he could before and he couldn't tolerate failure. Not now.

His jiggling knee finally tipped his bag from it’s precarious position on his lap, and Kylo grimaced as it hit the ground with a clatter, though glad that something snapped him out of his self-loathing reverie. Swearing under his breath, he snatched it back up, feeling blindly inside to see if the little tin inside had been dented or damaged. Breathing out slowly in relief when his searching fingers found no obvious dings, Kylo pressed the fingers of his other hand against his eyes and tried to slowly count backwards from ten. He was being silly. He was panicking about nothing. Either Hux would accept his apology or not; either way, he’d survive. He’d be fine.

_Yeah, and monkeys might fly out of my butt._

He pulled the cord for his stop and swung himself off the bus before he could change his mind.

 

*******

Hux’s Titian head was buried in yet another book when Kylo slunk through the door of what he now knew to be called “Old Republic Books”. Kylo had to wonder how the man managed to get away with completely ignoring everyone who set foot in his store. If Kylo dared try that he’d be fired on the spot, though he was still sorely tempted sometimes. Not entirely certain why he was trying to walk quietly, he crept up to the counter and opened his mouth to proffer his apology.

“Good morning Kylo. What can I do for you?” Hux’s voice cut Kylo off before he could utter a syllable. Kylo rocked back on his heels, the wind slowly seeping out of his sails.

“How…?”

Hux sighed, his gaze still directed at his book, cheek resting on one closed fist. “I’m reading, not selectively deaf. Like even I could ignore the noise those clumping boots make. You sound like a bag of batteries falling down a flight of stairs.”

Kylo wanted to retort with something similarly cutting, but again Hux headed him off at the pass, turning his head to flash Kylo a wide smile.

“Only joking, I saw you out the corner of my eye. You walk remarkably quietly for a Wookie.” He closed his book with a thump, exposing the cover to Kylo for a brief second before it was tucked out of sight; “England’s Dreaming”. Funny, Hux didn’t strike Kylo as the punk rock type. “So, I’ll ask again: what can I do for you?”

Kylo sighed heavily; time to rip off the band-aid. “Well, uh, firstly I wanted to apologise for being a dick the other day. I think I kinda...overreacted, and I’m sorry.” Dipping his head so he wouldn’t have to watch Hux absorb his awful attempt at an apology, he ferreted through his bag, eventually producing the little metal tin and thrusting it at Hux. “I, um – I got you this.” Kylo still couldn’t bear to look Hux in the face. He really was terrible at this.

After what felt like an eternity, Hux took the tin, fingers ever so slightly grazing Kylo’s. It had a pin-up style picture of a woman dressed all in green, with flame red hair and vines wrapped around her that extended to form lettering. Kylo finally dragged his eyes up to gauge Hux’s reaction to his gift. He was running his fingers over the spot-glossed text, and pinprick points of pale pink had appeared high on his cheekbones. His voice sounded slightly shaky when he spoke, and it made Kylo’s stomach feel wobbly.

“’Poison Ivy Tea’...is that meant to be a dig at my hair? Or is your version of an apology actually an attempt to kill me?” His face was serious but Kylo could see the glimmer of humour in his eyes, and he felt his own lips involuntarily twitch up into a smile.

“Yeah, after I fell over your cat I figured I couldn’t leave any witnesses, and this way it’d look like an accident.”

Hux opened his mouth to say something, but snapped it shut again quickly. His teeth audibly clicked together and his face slid into a lazy smile, the slight blush on his freckled skin betraying him. Hux met his uncomfortable gaze and Kylo was struck yet again by the brightness in his eyes; the vivacity and spark and _life_ that danced in them. It made a spot behind his navel twist sharply, and he honestly couldn't say whether it was from nerves or.. something else he didn't want to touch with a bargepole.

Kylo rubbed the back of his neck with one big hand, shifting his stance nervously and twirling a strand of dark hair on the back of his neck around his finger. "...Well?" It came out snappier than he intended, but Hux didn't seem fazed. If anything his grin widened while he rose gracefully from behind the counter.

"I love it. Thank you. You didn't have to." Hux said warmly. "Apart from bestowing gifts like a grumpy Santa Clause, what can I do for you today?" Kylo felt his cheeks colour and cursed them.

"People just feel obligated to say that when they get a gift they hate." Kylo deflected. He figured if he got it out there first, the sting of rejection wouldn't pierce so sharply.

"Oh be quiet, I'm British, Kylo. We don't mince our words." Hux teased, rolling the tin between his hands before strolling through to the back room. "Where did you get it anyway? ‘Tea and Tina's’?"

Kylo let out a breath he hadn't realised he'd been holding, allowing a little relief to flood through him. He didn't hate the gift. It was okay. "Uhhhh... somewhere online."

"What?!" Hux squawked. With the thud of a cupboard he came back through and leaned against the counter top. "There's a perfectly good tea shop a few blocks over!"

"Online's easier," Kylo mumbled, shifting his bag strap higher up his shoulder. "Besides, do I look like the kind of guy who browses tea boutiques?"

"What, and I do?" Hux countered, smirking. "I'm sure we went over the whole ‘Judging by appearances thing’, though I suppose that yeah, I do look the type."

Kylo felt panic bloom in his gut- this is exactly what he wanted to avoid. "No – no, that's not what I meant -" he frantically tried to back track before Hux snorted and folded his arms against his chest.

"Oh for goodness sake, I'm joking!" Hux laughed, cocking his head. His smile softened. “You really need to relax. Might I recommend you try some camomile tea? I find it terribly soothing.” Kylo finally let himself smile, just a little bit, assuring Hux he wasn’t hurt by his ribbing.

“That’s much better! Now, for what is hopefully the final time, Kylo: What. Can. I. Do. For. You?”

Kylo sighed, defeated. “I need your help.”

 

*******

**Hux’s Playlist:**

 

“Biscuit” - Portishead

“Where Do I Begin” - Chemical Brothers

“Fade Into You” - Mazzy Star

“Right Here, Right Now” - Jesus Jones

“Jane Says” - Jane’s Addiction

 

 _“I'm lost, exposed,_  
_Stranger things will come your way,_  
_It's just I'm scared,_  
_Got hurt along time ago_ ”

 

Hux turned the small tin over in his hands, inhaling the sweet aroma of cherries and lemongrass. He didn’t use leaf tea very often even though he preferred it, purely because he rarely had the time to let it steep. This tea though...this he’d make time for. He set it down on the counter and turned the music coming from his iPod dock up a little higher, letting Hope Sandoval’s voice fill the space. He loved this time, after all the customers had left and he was locking up the store, before he would venture up to his small apartment above to deal with the minutiae that having to run a business inevitably brings.

First, he turned off all the lights and watched the street lights glow light the room with a deep amber hue, flashing off the spines of the leather-bound books. Then he slowly crossed the room to lock the door, savouring the feel of every creaking floorboard beneath his Chucks, picturing the people who have beat this path for the past...well, lifetime. His father had opened this store before Hux was born. People came into the store for stories, for information. What stories did they carry in with them that would never be read? What information did they possess that might never be shared? A wise Irish man had once said “Happy people have no stories”, and Hux tended to agree.

Lastly, he crossed back to the rear, into the back room, where he swept Millicent up in a furry bundle with his left hand and dropped his iPod into his pocket, picking the tea tin up with his right, and slowly made his way upstairs. He wandered into the kitchen, depositing Millie rather indignantly onto the sideboard, and dug out his favourite tea infuser, which was rather humorously shaped like a rubber manatee. As the tea brewed, so brooded Hux. His mind kept skipping over everything that usually dogged him, settling instead on this Kylo person. Hux wasn’t entirely sure what to make of him; talking to him was like dragging a boot through mud, and he had a chip on his shoulder the size of Jupiter. But his smile...Hux had only glimpsed it a few times, but it made his entire face light up and Hux’s heart thump in his throat. And now Hux had willingly signed up to help him with this godforsaken project. This was not part of Hux’s plan; he had adjusted to his involuntary celibacy, and had been enjoying not stressing about meeting someone. Now, though. Now he’d found himself having all sorts of (even the word made him feel a bit queasy) feelings, or at least an inkling of feelings, and he couldn’t be having that. Didn’t have time for that.

Here he was, though. He’d agreed to help Kylo with his Currie research and given him his card. Sent him away with a phone full of pictures of his fathers book and told him to call or text him if he needed any else. Hux groaned and sunk forward, head in his hands. What did he do that for?! Now he’s going to worry every time he texts. Or doesn’t text. Or only asks for help with his college stuff. He snatched the manatee out of his cup, scared to take a drink in case he had let it stew. He really, really wanted to like this tea.

His phone vibrated just as he went to take a sip, nearly making him drop his cup. He swore and snatched it out of his pocket, firmly convinced it would his friend Phasma or worse, his mother. Steeling himself, he swiped on the ‘New Message’ notification.

Unknown number. Odd. Anyone who would text him had his num-

 _Kylo_. It must be from Kylo, he reasoned. Of course Hux hadn’t bloody thought to take his number, such was his rush to thrust his own number at him. He grimaced and tapped on the message, fully expecting it to be a request for more information.

**_Hey Hux, it’s Kylo. Just realised I didn’t give you my number lol. Here it is! Just wanted to say thank you again for all your help, I really appreciate it. Do you know that bar, the Death Star? It’s on Lexington? Anyway, I work there and there’ll be a drink behind the bar for you if you ever feel like dropping by. Just to say thanks :) Kylo xo_ **

Hux finally took a sip of his tea and smiled. It was perfect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case it wasn't obvious, I'm writing a LOT of Kylo's experience from my actual life as an artist and art student. It's so much less fun than they make it look and sound on TV!
> 
> If you'd like to hear the song that inspired the title of this fic (and loosely the fic itself), it's [here.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jJaT7qQpaqs)
> 
> And the chapter title, [here.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GwKtszQ8Ejo)
> 
>  
> 
> Thank you so much for all the kind words and kudos on this work so far!
> 
> As usual, if you have questions, comments or concerns, feel free to drop me a comment!
> 
> Come find me on [Tumblr!](https://surfaces-ao3.tumblr.com/)


	4. The Beat That My Heart Skipped

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual, please be aware of the tags as they usually get updated along with each chapter. Fairly graphic description of a panic attack in this chapter, so please be aware of that in case that might upset you. I hope it wont put you off reading this chapter, but if you have any issues, please let me know. 
> 
> You will come to a...certain bit, near the end of the chapter, and I heartily recommend you listen to [this song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MZcvS4lI9TU) while you read that bit. Or read it and go back and read it again while you listen to that song. Trust me.

**Kylo’s playlist**

 

“Shame” - Backyard Babies

“Them And Us” - Bad Religion

“She Brings The Rain” - CAN

“Potato Junkie” - Therapy?

“Heartbeat” - Childish Gambino

 

 _“I come around when you least expect me,_  
_I'm sitting at the bar when your glass is empty,_  
_You thinking that the songs coming on to tempt me,_  
_I need to be alone like the way you left me”_

 

06:15 – _**Kyyylooooo...Kyyyylooooooo...you up?**_

06:18 – _I am now >:(_

06:20 – **Ooh _, someone’s a grumpus today! Fine, you go back to sleep. It can wait._**

06:20 – _I’m up now, just tell me._

06:21 – _**Nah honestly, I think it can wait.**_

06:24 – _Phasma tell me or you’re barred from the bar_

06:26 – _**OK, if you insist…**_ _ **Poe and Finn broke up**_

06:30 -. _ **..Kylo?**_

06: 32 – _JFC Phas, how many times do I have to tell you I don’t want to hear about Poe??! I don’t care who he’s with, or what he’s doing. I don’t want to know anything about him. He’s a fucking ocean away anyway, what and who he does is nothing to do with me any more._

06:35 – _**No Kylo, that’s why I’m telling you. They broke up, and Poe’s moving back. I just heard from Finn, he’s already left. He’ll be back in town any day now.**_

06:40 – _**Kylo?**_

06:45 – _**Kylo are you OK?**_

 

A loud buzzing filled the air as his phone started ringing, slithering across his chest where he’d put it down but Kylo couldn’t feel it. Couldn’t feel anything except a building swirl of nausea. He gritted his teeth and tried to swallow, but his mouth was dry and sticky, painkiller-parched to the point of discomfort. There was something; emotions he couldn’t name, and they roiled in his gut while his ears filled with the drone of his phone, louder now that it had vibrated off his body and onto the wooden slats. Tears prickled at the corners of his eyes, and finally he tore his lips apart to force out a single heaving sob. The miasma of panic surged upwards and without stopping to check if he stood on his phone or not, he yanked himself to his feet to flounder to the bathroom, only just making it to the toilet before his stomach emptied itself.

His entire body shook, eyes and nose streaming, and Kylo found that he didn’t care if the tears streaming down his face were from vomiting or Phasma’s news. Didn’t care that he’d sworn he’d never shed another tear for another person yet news of Poe’s return had made him physically ill. A shrill ringing was filling his head, obliterating any coherent thought that may have been trying to fight its way through. He stared at where his fingers had a white-knuckle grip on the porcelain, but he couldn’t feel them. Only just barely registered them through wide, staring eyes.

He could only feel the fire in his chest as his breath came in whoops and gasps, and it took ten long minutes to finally catch more than a sliver of air and fill his lungs, pouring back out in a long, keening wail. Hiccuping on the in breath, his throat already raw, he howled until he had neither the oxygen nor energy to make another sound.

“ _I’m a ghost and you know this...that’s why we broke up in the first place...”_

Spent, he finally released his grip on the toilet, instead fisting his hands in his hair and slumping to the side, the cold bathroom tile frigid against his bare skin. The cold made Kylo gasp, the sudden chill providing a tangible tether back to the world outside his head. He pushed his cheek against the floor, trying to ground himself in the cooling of his burning skin. Slowly, his senses clicked back in again; he could feel his scalp stinging beneath his fingers, taste the bitterness of bile in the back of his mouth, smell the sweat pouring from him despite the cool temperature. His breathing, though still laboured, eventually slowed to something resembling normal. He released his vice-like hold on his hair and rolled over, pressing his back as hard against the tile floor as he could. Finally somewhat soothed, he could no longer stop himself from rehashing the event that put him in his current predicament.

He could remember talking to Phasma...Poe, she mentioned Poe...he got as far as that before his chest clenched and his breathing sped up again. Pushing his fist against his sternum, he tried to breathe deeply and think _around_ the issue. Don’t think about it alone. Take it to someone else, share the load. A problem shared and all that?

On creaking knees, Kylo slowly slid around until he could get his legs, weak and shaky as they were, under him, using the sink to lever himself upright. Clutching his painfully cramping stomach, he padded back through to the bedroom. His phone was lying untouched on the floor, silent despite Kylo still being able to hear the incessant buzzing in the recesses of his mind. He gingerly picked it up, almost expecting to vibrate right out of his hand, and thumbed in his passcode. Multiple missed calls and texts, all Phasma. Tapping into the messaging app, he felt his throat tighten. He _needed_ to talk to someone, someone who wouldn’t say “I told you so”, no matter how much he may deserve it.

His thumbs hovered over the various threads for just a second before tapping out a message quickly, hitting ‘Send’ before he could second-guess himself.

7:45 – _Hey, I know this is a bit out of the blue and really fucking early, but are you free today? Think I need to get out of the house for a bit, clear my mind n shit._

He threw his phone down on the bed as if it had burned him. His pulse pounded in his ears as he stared at the silent object, not sure if he really wanted it to go off again or not. Contemplating sending another message, one saying _“Actually just ignore that, I’m fine.”,_ he reached out towards the phone. Just as his fingers grazed the smooth surface, it lit up and buzzed loudly, and Kylo ripped his hand back, yelping. Slowly, he picked his phone up and flicked the notification, a knot of dread in his throat.

7:50 – _**Hahaha it’s cute that you think this is early!**_ _ **you sound like you could use a cuppa. Trust me when I say tea cures all.**_ _ **Come down to the shop, I’ll sort you out.**_ _ **Hux x**_

 

*******

Kylo fidgeted as he waited for Hux to come to the door, tugging at his hair and bag strap, not sure why he was so nervous. Mainly because he knew fine well he was nervous about spending time in Hux’s company, rather than about what had spurred him to text the man in the first place. Phasma’s messages had been shoved firmly to the back of his mind, where he hoped they would stay. His heartbeat accelerated when he saw Hux’s blurry figure through the frosted glass, but at the same time a wave of relief washed over him. Hux didn’t know anything about him; he hadn’t uncovered his numerous demons, wasn’t party to all his baggage. Knowing he had someone to talk to who was _separate_ from his history and all his bad decisions calmed him a bit.

Hux’s eyes widened noticeably when he opened the door and saw Kylo’s dishevelled state. “Wow, OK yeah I see what you meant. You look like death warmed up, sir. In you come, make yourself comfortable.”

Hesitating momentarily, Kylo stepped through the doorway. The floor creaked against his boots, and it sounded deafening in the small, silent space. Everything about him felt wrong in here; too tall, too broad, too noisy. Like a screaming baby in a library. He flinched as Hux put his hand gently against his back to help him slide past Kylo in the narrow doorway, but the warmth he left behind was momentarily soothing. Hux looked behind him and gave Kylo a gentle smile, beckoning him further in to the store. They passed through the door into the back room and Kylo made to flop onto the sofa, but Hux veered to the right through a door Kylo hadn’t noticed before. The staircase was narrow and dark, and Kylo had a momentary feeling of claustrophobia, but when Hux opened the door at the top, he was bathed in warm morning light. The small living room was light and airy thanks to a huge front window, full of shabby chic furniture and piles of books in odd nooks and crannies. They clearly belonged in the bookcases that spanned one entire wall of the room, and Kylo was pleased to see they shared a similar taste in books; ‘The Dice Man’, ‘Geek Love’, multiple Clive Barker novels, amongst others. He could see a worn leather recliner in the corner near the window, and he could just imagine curling up on it in the sunlight, losing himself in a book or just napping a warm day away. It had been a long time since he’d read for fun, usually too tired of textbooks and essay research to even contemplate doing it by choice.

Kylo was abruptly aware of just how tired he was. His work schedule and school work load was bad enough, and adding Phasma’s news to his currently more volatile than usual mental state had him feeling like all his stuffing had been knocked out. He was vaguely aware that Hux was speaking to him but he sounded far away, almost like he was underwater. Muffled and distant and intangible. Shaking his head as if clearing the fog, he looked up through the veil of his hair at Hux. There was a concerned look on his vulpine face, and Kylo felt his belly tighten; here he was, in the house of someone who was practically a stranger yet had opened his arms to help Kylo, and he was repaying Hux’s by shutting down and showing him exactly why he’d shut himself away from everyone. He should just leave before Hux asked him to. Save him the trouble of dealing with shit he didn’t need to be involved in.

“Kylo? Are you OK?” Hux started towards him, but Kylo took a step backwards, back towards the staircase, towards wherever he was going to run to. He opened his mouth to try to explain, hands raised to grab at his hair but not quite making it, but nothing came out. He just stared with a pleading look in his eyes and stammered before letting his hands drop uselessly to his sides.

“I-I-I...I’m sorry, I-I don’t….I c-can’t...” Any further attempt at an explanation was cut off by Hux striding across the room and gathering Kylo against him. Shocked, Kylo couldn’t even hug him back; his mind was no less troubled but now he could feel something. Softness, warmth, something that felt like _safety._ His shaking hands finally lifted hesitantly, but as soon as he touched the soft material of Hux’s clothing he clutched it hard, as if for dear life.

Kylo had stopped breathing when Hux crossed the room and wrapped his arms around him, and now it came out in a slow wheeze. He could feel Hux’s body move infinitesimally closer to him as his chest deflated, and he automatically tightened his grip. Hux was thinner than Kylo had realised, and he could feel the jut of his hipbones even through the layers of their jeans as they pressed together. Every part of him he touched felt soft, and Kylo felt himself unwinding, the coil of tension in his stomach slowly loosening.

The longer he inhaled the faint green apple scent of Hux’s hair, the more his defences crumbled, and before long he had his forehead against Hux’s shoulder, silent tears soaking into the soft fabric of his sweater. Shame and embarrassment flooded through him, turning his face and chest red, but Hux just pulled him tighter, murmuring gentle “Shh” sounds against his hair, running gentle fingers up and down his back. He gripped Hux’s sweater tighter, and he could feel the muscles under the fabric tense then release. It felt like a lifetime passed before Kylo stopped crying, trying to relax his hold on Hux, fingers cramped into a clenched position. He felt Hux’s hands slide to his biceps and push him gently, ever so gently, until they were eye to eye. Or they would have been, had Kylo not become overwhelmed with shame, refusing to lift his gaze to meet Hux’s.

“Hey, come on. Look at me. It’s fine, everything’s fine. Just look at me.”

Kylo took a deep, shuddering breath and threw his head back. He thought he’d gotten a good look at Hux’s eyes that first day in the store downstairs, but he wasn’t quite prepared to stare at them this close up. What he’d thought was a bright azure was actually veering towards a tint known as “Morning Blue”, flecked with splashes of gold near the pupil. They roamed over his face, clouded with what looked like genuine concern. Hux smiled, though it was tight when he spoke.

“There we go. Feel any better? Sometimes you just need to get it all out.” His thumbs rubbed against Kylo’s arms, and the gentle gesture was almost enough to make him burst into tears again, so convinced had he become that he didn’t deserve it. Sniffing, he heard himself give a small deprecating chuckle.

“I’m sorry I got it all out all over your shoulder, though.”

Hux laughed, glancing at his sodden clothing, and gave Kylo’s arms one last firm squeeze, before directing him bodily towards the couch and shoving him gently into its squashy embrace. “You make yourself comfortable, I’ll stick the kettle on.”

Kylo watched him as he disappeared into the kitchen, hating himself a little but unable to keep from admiring the way Hux’s clothing hugged his slim figure, especially from this angle. He groaned and scrubbed his damp face with both hands. _Why?_ _W_ _hy are you like this?_ he asked himself for what felt like the millionth time that day. He looked back towards the kitchen, and thought about why he even here right now. He’d needed someone to open up to. _Well,_ he thought, taking a deep breath. _No time like the present._

He raised his voice as he spoke so Hux might hear him in the other room. “My ex is coming back to town, and I don’t know what to do about it.”

Shaggy red hair appeared around the doorway. “Sorry, say that again? Actually no, wait a minute.” He disappeared then came back, setting a steaming mug down on the coffee table in front of Kylo and settling himself in the chair opposite. Throwing one long leg over the other, he sipped his tea. “Perfect. Right, _now._ What were you saying?”

“I got a text from my friend, she’s over in England just now. Must’ve forgot the time difference again. Anyway, she said she had news, and it turns out that my ex is coming back here from England any day now, and I don’t know what to do.” His fingertips were starting to feel numb again, and he wrapped his hands around his mug, as if the warmth would bring them back to him.

Hux’s mouth twisted as he thought. Kylo forced himself to stare at his mug as though the milky liquid was the most fascinating thing he’d ever seen. Anything to stop himself staring at Hux’s lips. He filled the time by taking a proper drink of his tea, and had to resist the urge to spit it back out, gulping the mouthful down as fast as he could. Yep, Hux was right. Tea solved everything, because nothing could be as bad as that tasted.

“What do you mean by ‘What to do’? Like – how are you going to avoid her? Will you _have_ to see her, and aren’t sure how to deal with that?”

Kylo’s mouth moved before he thought about it, “Um. He. He’s a he,” and he frowned while he waited for inevitable stammering apology.

No apology was forthcoming, though. Hux just shrugged as if to say ‘Same difference’ and waited for him to carry on.

“Um, yeah I’m hoping to avoid _him_ as much as I humanly can,” he said, putting emphasis on the male pronoun, but Hux hadn’t so much as batted an eyelid, “but we have a lot of mutual friends so I don’t know how long I’ll manage that for. I’ll be honest with you, I’m fucking terrified.”

“I’m assuming the break-up wasn’t amicable?” Hux’s expression was sympathetic

Kylo sighed. “It wasn’t even really a break-up. Or it was, but only because I assume someone moving across the world for a year and getting together with someone else means you’re broken up.”

Hux physically winced, and his tone was affectionate when he spoke. “Yeah...yeah that sounds like a break-up to me, too.”

So Kylo vented his spleen, and Hux listened intently, only interrupting to ask clarifying questions but otherwise silent, until Kylo had to get ready for work and Hux had to get ready for a date. As he sat on the bus home, Dead Kennedys hammering his eardrums into submission, he mused on the nature of his burgeoning friendship with this captivating character. He didn’t make friends easily, and he kept them even more rarely. Usually an hour in his company was enough for most people, and rarely was there a repeat encounter. This guy though. Not only had he not run screaming for the hills, he’d actively encouraged Kylo’s presence in his life, and Kylo didn’t really know how to react to it. Well, his mind didn’t, but his body did. Christ, did his body ever. Despite the tears and snot, being held tight against Hux’s body had stirred feelings Kylo hadn’t felt in a long time, and hearing that he was going on a blind date that evening sent a wave of ire through his gut. The suddenness of the attraction had blind-sided him, even though he’d thought Hux was cute from the get-go. He thought that was it though. Not because Hux wasn’t more than cute, but because he didn’t realise he was still capable of thinking and feeling these things. Not since…

He turned the volume up a few notches and pressed his head against the bus window.

 

*******

 

**Hux’s playlist**

“The Golden Age” - Beck

“Them And Us” - Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross

“Please...Don’t Be Yourself” - Soulwax

“Night Vision” - Suzanne Vega

“Mein Herz Brennt (Piano Version)” - Rammstein

 

 _“Now I watch you falling into sleep_  
_Watch your fist curl against the sheet_  
_Watch your lips fall open and your eyes dim_  
_In blind faith”_

 

If awards were given out for Worst Date Ever, Hux would only have accepted it so he could force the person he’d just spent two excruciating hours with to eat it. His date had drank more than they’d eaten anyway, they could probably do with it. Hux had tried his hardest to have some description of a good time, but after one too many not-so-thinly-veiled jibes about his hair colour and accent, which still leaned towards Irish on occasion, he’d slapped less money than he probably should have on the table and walked out without a word.

He knew he shouldn’t have agreed to the date in the first place, but since meeting Kylo he was questioning a lot of things he thought he knew about himself. When his friend had messaged him and said she knew a pretty young thing that was single and had seen Hux’s picture on Facebook, he thought fuck it, why not, what did he have to lose? Still too much it would seem, and now here he was, just him and his dignity, standing in the street, much more sober than he’d planned on being. He had to rectify that situation, so a hurried Google Maps search later, he strode off towards his destination.

The bar must have had some heavy-duty soundproofing because Hux felt like he’d been physically slapped in the ear by Rammstein when he pushed the front door open, despite it being no louder than a murmur outside. His nose instantly turned up at the smell of sweat, spilled alcohol, and cigarette smoke which never seemed to go away even after the smoking bans. It was busy though, which meant he would probably be left in peace to enjoy his new plans: get drunk and berate his friend for not vetting his potential dates better. Before all that, he had one more item of business to attend to…

He scanned the room from his vantage point near the door, his smile slowly spreading as he found what he was looking for: Kylo was behind the bar, wearing a black tank-top that was so tight it looked painted on, inky hair sweaty and falling across his forehead. Today’s conversation with his new-found friend had been enlightening to say the least. Not that it mattered to Hux, oh no. It wasn’t like Hux had developed a _crush,_ of all things. Perish the thought. No, it was just...interesting. And he was only here tonight because Kylo had promised him a free drink and even though he had every intention of paying for it, hell, a drink is a drink. If he got to have it in Kylo’s company, which he was quickly coming to enjoy, then so much the better. He shrugged his coat off as he crossed through the throng of people, conveniently seating himself on a stool at Kylo’s end of the bar. Content to just wait his turn and watch Kylo work rather than vie for his attention with the rest of the customers, Hux noticed how muscular the man was under the layers of denim and flannel he perpetually wore. Kylo most definitely fitted into the category of ‘Beef Bus’. A fine layer of sweat coated his arms as he tossed bottles and filled glasses, and Hux could feel a similar sweat starting to prick at the back of his neck that he didn’t think had anything to do with the temperature in the building.

When he finally made his way over to Hux and asked what he was having, Kylo’s head was bent, wiping the bar and straightening bottles. It wasn’t until Hux spoke, asking what Kylo would recommend, that he looked up. The grin that spread across his face made Hux’s heart skip, his dark eyes glittering in the low light.

“What’re you doing here? I thought you were having dinner at one of those showy over-priced hipster chophouses uptown tonight?” Kylo folded his arms on the bar, leaning across it slightly towards Hux.

Hux crossed his arms and mimicked Kylo’s posture, bringing their faces closer. “I was, and I did.” Their close proximity meant they not longer had to yell to be heard over Against Me!’s screaming guitars, and it was starting to feel almost intimate. Hux could see that Kylo’s pupils were swollen and wide, only the thinnest ring of amber brown visible, and he told himself it was just because of the bars low lighting.

“So you thought you’d bring your date down here after, show her you can rough it a bit too?”

Was that a tinge of jealousy Hux could hear in Kylo’s voice? It was definitely something, and Hux was tempted to tease him for a while. If Hux was reading Kylo’s signals right, it’d be the ideal opportunity to blag some compliments to ease his wounded ego. But no. Best not to take his frustration with his disastrous night out on Kylo. It wasn’t his fault Hux felt about as attractive as a bag of hammers.

“Oh Christ no, I practically dined-n-dashed. Well, I actually did dash, but you couldn’t call what I ate ‘dining’, so much as ‘desecrating roadkill’. No, _he,_ ” he stressed the pronoun the same way Kylo had earlier that same day, scanning his features for any hint of a reaction. He was rewarded with Kylo flicking his tongue out to lick his lips the tiniest bit. _It’s something..._ “He was...loathsome is probably too gracious a word, but it’s close. Turned up three sheets to the wind then carried on from there. I tolerated his company as long as I could bear but no, even I have my standards,” he gave Kylo a wide smile. “So here I am; sober and sulky and in need of a very, _very_ stiff drink.”

Hux felt a quiver run through his thighs as Kylo bit his lip and stood up straight to start throwing multiple kinds of alcohol into a cocktail shaker, and his mouth fell open a little when he watched the way the muscles of Kylo’s back rippled under mole-sprinkled skin, his pale skin an almost unearthly shade under the blueish bar lights. When Kylo turned around to add a splash from the soda gun to his drink, Hux had to make a concerted effort to snap his jaw shut and keep his expression neutral, though he struggled when he watched Kylo’s nimble fingers twist some lime peel into a most elegant garnish, his mind conjuring some very vulgar thoughts. He just about managed to school his face back into some semblance of a smile as Kylo set the drink down in front of him, his smile wide and hopeful.

Oh no. It was the tea situation all over again. No wait, it was _worse_ than the tea situation; now he had to worry about disappointing Kylo _in_ _person._ At least if he hadn’t enjoyed the tea he could’ve just lied. Now he had to worry about it showing on his face in person, and he wasn’t good enough an actor to pretend. He’d drank enough hideous concoctions at college to know that much. Also, he’d been so caught up in trying to be funny and flirty that he neglected to mention that he much preferred more savoury drinks; whisky, gin cocktails, dry and dirty Martinis. The red brew in front of him looked sweet as hell. _Well,_ he thought, _there’s only one thing for it…_

Resisting the urge to throw the drink back in one gulp, he took a careful sip. And another. And then another. He was right, it _was_ very sweet, but not sickeningly so. Instead fruit flavours burst on his tongue, and it was incredibly refreshing. It reminded him of the ice lollies from the ice cream van he would beg his mother for every summer. His enjoyment must have been showing on his face because Kylo was grinning from ear to ear, but just as he licked the last sugary drops off his lips to tell him just how much he’d enjoyed it, a yell came from the other end of the bar.

“Hey, Ren. Stop flirting with your boyfriend and get back to work!” Hux nervously flicked his gaze back and forth from Kylo to his co-worker and back to Kylo, sure he’d see an expression of horror at the very suggestion that he was flirting with Hux, even in a joking way. Instead, he just rolled his eyes and called back.

“Shut up Leonard, we’ve all seen your Tumblr! Some kinks _should_ be shamed!” Laughing, he turned back to Hux. “I better get back to it. Hey, so I get off work in an hour and I could really do with a drink. Preferably an alcoholic one, this time. You free?”

Hux had never been more free in his life.

 

*******

The night passed in a blur of loud music and strong booze. Cosily ensconced in a dark corner, Hux was delighted to discover that Kylo’s usually recalcitrant tongue was easily loosened with liberal quantities of cheap beer and whisky chasers. As the bar got busier, the sound level got louder, and Hux got progressively closer to Kylo. Ostensibly to hear him better, but the close proximity filled his nose with the scent of Kylo’s body; sweat under a layer of soft clean laundry from the hoodie he’d thrown on, mixed with a surprisingly sweet, woody cologne. The combination was heady, making him lose track of the conversation, instead itching to bury his nose in Kylo’s neck and smell his skin. His own true scent.

The tables around them were getting more and more packed by the minute. People were pressed together on the cushioned benches along the wall in little confidential cliques, and Hux took it as a sign to lean ever closer in, brushing Kylo’s thigh with his knee. Kylo made no attempt to move away so, emboldened by fiery liquid courage, Hux stood his ground.

The more Kylo drank, the more animated he got as he spoke, and Hux ended up following his actions more than his actual words. His hands, large as they were, were elegant and expressive, his fingers long and graceful. Artists hands, clearly designed to create everything from nothing. Hux watched him draw the outlines of his words, seeing them more than he heard them. What he really wanted to do was grab hold of them, grip them tight and pull Kylo against him, see what patterns they could describe on his paper-white skin. While pondering the potential outcomes of actually doing that, the choice was essentially made for him. As Kylo was waving his hands around to illustrate a point that Hux had missed completely, a girl with the group at the next table decided to squeeze in between Kylo and her friend, both seated on the same bench. Her entrance was less than graceful, however, and the impact of her ass pushing into the space pushed Kylo hard to the side, his legs almost ended up over Hux’s lap. A warm hand crash-landed on his knee, Kylo’s shoulder warm against his chest, and Hux’s hand was on Kylo’s back before he knew he’d reacted. Feeling the motion of firm muscles under his hand made him groan low in his throat, and he panicked, pulling his hand away sharply as Kylo righted himself.

“S-sorry about that, are you OK?”

Kylo glanced at him for a second, before leaning in, directing his hear towards Hux. “Sorry, didn’t catch that?”

Hux repeated himself, and this time Kylo leaned in towards Hux, his lips almost tracing the shell of his ear. His voice was low, his breath warm, making Hux shiver almost imperceptibly.

“Didn’t get it that time either. What were you saying?”

Hux, vaguely irritated and slightly turned on, expected Kylo to turn his head to listen. Instead, as he turned and opened his mouth, his lips were captured in a soft, warm kiss. His back stiffened and his lungs froze, practically expecting Kylo to pull away and apologise, but instead his face was cradled by the hand that had landed on his knee. Kylo’s tongue slipped out, the tip tracing the edge of Hux’s top lip, and he finally released the breath he was holding. A soft sigh, almost as soft as Kylo’s lips. Full of want and hesitation and confusion. Kylo must have been practically able to taste Hux’s desire, taking one of Hux’s hands in his and twisting their fingers together as he pulled away. His smile was shy, his eyes bright, and his voice wavered as he spoke.

“So, um” Kylo stared down at their hands, and Hux could feel him tremble slightly. “This place is closing soon. Can I, uh...walk you home, maybe? God, that was so cheesy, I’m sorry!”

They both giggled, faces flushing with mirth and tipsiness and slight arousal. Hux had to make a quick decision to make; take the night as it was and run with it, or play it safe as per usual. He kissed Kylo again, a soft peck this time. “Yes, I think I’d like that very much.”

Of course neither of them actually intended to walk, and an Uber was swiftly requested to transport them back to Hux’s place for what he’d described as ‘The most innocent and literal coffee ever’. The cold air had shocked them both out of their warm whisky-flavoured trance, and now they stood on the street, chill breeze rattling them right to their bones. The taxi ride was practically silent, the conversation they did make vague and inane, and Hux was starting to feel worried and shy. It wasn’t till he looked over and saw Kylo smile then nod downwards to his hand lying palm-up between them, that he felt the tension lessen and his mouth curve up into a cautious smile as he took Kylo’s hand in his own.

 

The air of shyness fell over them again as they stood outside Hux’s store. Kylo took both Hux’s hands in his and pulled him close, and Hux was grateful for the shared body heat. He let his lips ghost over Kylo’s, just barely making contact, nerves starting to creep up on him again. It was better to rip off the band-aid now, make sure they were both on the same page and that Hux wasn’t going to lead Kylo on and hurt him. That wasn’t something he ever wanted to happen.

“I hate to say this, but I really do just mean a coffee. I...I want to take this slow. And I think you might want to, too” He chewed his lip as he waited for Kylo’s reaction.

Kylo pulled back, brow knitted, but his lips were tugging up into a small smile. He let go of one of Hux’s hands to brush his thumb against Hux’s cheek, light and tender and a little bit hesitant; as if afraid Hux would flinch away, or perhaps that he would bruise under the tiniest touch. “That is the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me. I know that sounds sad, but...thank you. I think you’re right, too. I’ll...I think I’ll call a cab, I don’t want to come in and make you uncomfortable.”

Wordlessly, Hux took Kylo by the sleeve of his hoodie and pulled him towards the building. Faint music poured through the small window in the door, and Hux cursed loudly. He’d left his fucking iPod playing in the dock all bloody night. _That’s what happens when you rush around like a headless chicken, Armitage._ No nasty letters or bricks appeared to have been put through the door, so he just stuck with the assumption that the neighbours either couldn’t hear it or didn’t care. Though he wished he’d picked a better playlist; Kylo was about to get an earful of Hux’s favourite late 90’s garbage. Though, he supposed if he didn’t run screaming from his terrible taste in music, then that could only be a good sign.

“Stay. Please, you can crash on the couch downstairs. I’d rather that than worry about you getting home safely.”

Kylo’s chuckle was warm and rich. “I’m a big boy, Hux. I can manage getting a cab by myself.” he huffed a small laugh against Hux’s lips.

Hux just rolled his eyes. “Yes I am quite aware of that, Kylo. I would just rather you didn’t.” They spilled into the back room of the store, Kylo’s hands firm on Hux’s hips and his lips chasing the curve of his neck. Hux groaned and pried the searching fingers away, gathering them up to hold in front of him. He dropped a tiny soft kiss onto each knuckle as he spoke. “I want to take things slowly, but I still want you close. I just don’t trust myself to get any closer tonight.”

“OK, deal. Honestly, I’m happy to just sit here and listen to Rachel Stamp with you all night.”

_Uuuuugh, of COURSE he has knowledge of obscure 90’s English glam rock bands. Even the awful ones._

A wry smile was Hux’s first reply. “Don’t even pretend that you would enjoy this dreck. Feel free to change it and stick the kettle on, I’ll just go get you some blankets.”

A thrill bubbled up in Hux’s stomach; he felt like a kid having their first sleep over and a grown up having their first kiss all at the same time. As much as he desperately wanted to go back downstairs and rip Kylo’s clothes off, push him down on the chair and just _devour_ him, even in his buzzed state he knew that would do more harm than good. For both of them.

Hux froze as he descended the stairs. He heard the music before he saw Kylo, and his heartbeat skyrocketed; the beat was slow, the guitars heavy, the vocals leaden with salacity. Perfect for swaying and grinding your hips to, which now that he had reached the doorway he could see was exactly what Kylo was doing. Hux pulled himself back through the door, heart in his throat, praying Kylo either didn’t notice or had stopped his gyration once caught. Instead, a hand appeared and grasped his wrist firmly, tugging him out and into the room. Hux’s mouth was dry, sweat beading on his forehead as Kylo pulled him against him, twisting his hips hard against Hux before guiding him gently onto the couch.

“W-what are y-you doing?” Hux pushed back into the couch as hard as he could, shoulder blades practically gripping the stuffing. His mind was going stuffy and he couldn’t think because every sense was overwhelmed with _Kylo;_ All he could see was Kylo swaying his hips and running his hands over the hard planes of his body, all he could hear was his own heartbeat pounding in his ears and the strident music, all he could smell was Kylo’s cologne on his skin and all he could taste was Kylo’s mouth.

First came his hoodie, unzipped at a glacial pace, and Hux’s breath quickened as each muscular inch was revealed. As the chorus kicked in Kylo gripped the hem of his t-shirt and dragged it agonizingly slowly up and off his body, exposing alabaster skin peppered with moles. He looked like marble splattered with paint, and Hux’s mouth was starting to water with the desire to lick over each and every single one.

Dark eyes bored into blue as Kylo came over to Hux and planted one knee on the couch, hovering over him. He took Hux’s hands and guided them to run up and down his thighs before popping the button of his fly and dragging the zipper down so slowly that Hux could hear each and every metal tooth release. Grabbing Hux’s hands again, Kylo first slid them up his naked torso, tightening his grip to make Hux knead his pecs. He let go to card his fingers through his hair, and Hux let his instincts take over, digging his nails in slightly as he ran his hands back down, and letting them hook into Kylo’s jeans waistband.

Now they were both panting, and the room started to feel small and hot. Hux could feel the hardness in his boxers straining against the fabric, and he could see that Kylo was in much the same state. Before Hux could make a move he might regret, the warm body across his thighs was moving, hips rolling in lazy circles in time with the beat, jeans falling lower and lower on slim hips. Only stopping to toe off his boots, Kylo shucked his jeans the rest of the way off, strutted over to Hux and threw one long leg over him, then another, pinning him to the couch.

Slowly, Kylo pressed his hands to Hux’s belly, which twitched under his scorching touch, and slid them up to hold his face, Hux’s fingers wrapping around strong wrists. After what felt like hours, the song began to draw to a close, and Kylo’s mouth came closer and closer to Hux. Just as Hux let his tongue lick his lips, Kylo diverted at the last minute, pressing a tiny kiss to the tip of his nose.

“Good night Hux.” And then he was moving off him, picking up the blanket and curling up at the far end of the couch. Hux just gaped at him, mind blank. Kylo gently nudged him with a toe, and eventually he rose to his feet and made for the staircase in a daze. He whipped back around when he heard Kylo call out.

“Oh, and sweet dreams.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you'd like to hear the song that inspired the title of this fic (and loosely the fic itself), it's [here.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jJaT7qQpaqs)
> 
> And the chapter title, [here.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ESvYRR1Fyug)
> 
> I did my best to tag this chapter, but if you think I've missed anything, please let me know.  
>    
> Come find me on [Tumblr!](https://surfaces-ao3.tumblr.com/)
> 
> As usual, if you have any questions, comments or concerns, feel free to contact me!


	5. Not So Manic Now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please enjoy the fluff, because I don't know how much longer it might last...

**Hux’s Playlist:**

 

“I Don’t Want To Fall In Love” - She Wants Revenge

“All That Glitters” - Death In Vegas

“You Look So Fine” - Garbage

“Wave Of Mutilation” - Pixies

“Birthday” - The Sugarcubes

 

 _“You say it's not a problem, You say it's meant to be,_  
_But love is not an option, our love is never free,_  
_And things are not so easy, so cold and we've been burned,_  
_I know that I'll have regrets but that's the price of one more lesson learned.”_

 

 

There was a strange wailing sound coming through wall, and Hux flew upright before he could even get his eyes open. Bleary panic swept through him as he tried to climb out of bed, but his frantic advance was impeded; firstly by many of his limbs not being quite awake yet, and secondly by Kylo’s bulk, which he’d forgotten was there, taking up the side of the bed he was attempting to clamber across. Hux swore quietly as he landed heavily on one foot, only just managing to keep his balance, glowering at Kylo’s still-sleeping form. Grumbling about _bloody_ _somnambulists_ and potential axe-murderers not being the worst thing in the world, he tottered across the bedroom towards the kitchen and what seemed to be the source of the racket.

No sooner had he opened the door to investigate the noise than it became painfully apparent, literally. Millicent shot out, claws digging into Hux’s bare foot as she streaked past him and into the living room.

“H-nnngffm!” Tears sprang to his eyes as he bit down a screech, peering down but unable to see if he was bleeding in the gloom of dawn. As he hobbled towards the bathroom, he glanced into his bedroom, taking a moment to appreciate the way the soft moonlight peeking through the blinds played across the planes of Kylo’s body where he lay, half on his front and half on his side with his face buried in the pillow; the soft curve of his shoulder juxtaposed by the hard wing of a shoulder blade. The slant of his narrow, muscular waist, the jut of his hips, and the narrow slice of skin visible where his tank top had rode up. Hux could still feel the silky smooth slopes of Kylo’s muscles under his fingers, and he had to pull himself away from the doorway lest he decide to wake the sleeping man up in a rather physical way.

Thankfully Millicent hadn’t caused any real damage, and he supposed he deserved much worse for accidentally locking her in the kitchen all night, even if he had no idea how she got there. Perched precariously on the toilet seat, sleepily swaying, Hux dabbed some ointment on the wound and contemplated the past twenty-four hours. A hangover was definitely brewing behind his eyes and in his belly, an inelegant reminder of his overindulgence. An incredibly enjoyable overindulgence, but excessive nonetheless, and as a result he was slightly struggling to process the events that followed them leaving the bar. The dual fogs of sleepiness and hangover were vying with his body’s instinctual physical reaction to the memory of Kylo’s strip tease and the fact that Kylo was currently sleeping in his bed, and it was all making him feel a little punch-drunk. Hux knew it was a bad idea to let Kylo sleep upstairs, but he had gone to bed and barely an hour had passed before he heard banging downstairs, and he’d crept downstairs armed with his dads old golfing umbrella, half expecting to be confronted by a burglar, or a pissed-off racoon. Instead, he found Kylo obviously sleepwalking and so, brain working on automatic and not wanting to risk Kylo getting hurt, he had escorted him upstairs and made sure he was safely ensconced under the covers before dozing off himself. Why Kylo was sleepwalking and how Millie found herself shut in the kitchen were puzzles that could wait for daylight and proper consciousness.

Creeping back into his bedroom as quietly as he could, Hux made to walk _around_ the bed this time, but froze when he felt something grab his wrist. His temper flared; he’d just about had enough frights in the past few hours to last him a lifetime and was ready to turn around and thump whatever was holding him in the teeth, but he glanced down first, surprised to see Kylo’s arm hanging out the bed, fingers loosely wrapped around Hux’s arm. His eyes were barely open, and Hux felt his heart skip when Kylo gave him a sleepy, affectionate smile.

Kylo tightened his hold on Hux’s wrist, pulling him gently towards him. “C’mere, it’s cold.” Kylo reached out with his other hand to grasp Hux’s hip and tug him onto the bed until Hux was perched alongside him, hip to hip. A firm hand slid up his left thigh, guiding it across Kylo’s hips till Hux was straddling him. Hux offered no resistance, just managing to bite back a gasp as he settled against Kylo, whose clothed erection was already full and firm. A tremor ran up the insides of his thighs as he tensed them, trying to hold himself _up_ to resist the urge to grind _down._ He wanted to protest, opened his mouth to say that this wasn’t exactly ‘taking it slow’, but Kylo’s lips, warm and soft and sleep-dry, were already tracing a slow line up his neck and across his jaw, and Hux’s brain was already muzzy. So, he relented, leaning his forearms on either side of Kylo’s head and threading his fingers into his tangled black hair, letting his back curve under Kylo’s hands. Kylo’s hands were firm but gentle, tracing delicate lines along Hux’s lower back, dipping _just_ below the waistband of his boxers. A breathless sigh slipped past Hux’s lips as Kylo’s finally crossed his cheek to meet his mouth. The kiss was soft and unhurried; occasionally Hux would nip at Kylo’s plump lower lip, trying to make things move faster despite his better judgement, but Kylo just grunted and pulled back before continuing to kiss across the other side of Hux’s face at same languorous pace.

“I thought you wanted to take things slowly?” Kylo murmured, peppering Hux’s neck with tiny kisses.

“I did-I do… _you’re_ the one who pulled me on top of _you_ , I’m just following your lead.” He could feel Kylo’s lips curving in a smile against his skin before they slid down and nipped at his collarbone.

“True, but I told you: it’s cold. Maybe I just wanted to steal your body heat and get bonus kisses at the same time.”

Hux snorted a chuckle, closing his eyes and tilting his head back to expose more of his throat to Kylo’s mouth. “Yeah right. I’m too skinny to have spare body heat. I swear I’m cold-blooded.” His laughter died in his throat, turning into a gasping groan as Kylo gave him a solid swat on the ass.

“Don’t talk about yourself like that...please, you have no idea how gorgeous you are...” Kylo trailed off, pushing Hux’s shoulders slightly so he could look at him, slowly running his hands up his torso. Hux shivered and turned his face away from Kylo, bashful and unused to words of praise; he could feel the blush starting to make it’s way up his neck and down over his chest, giving away his discomfort at being complimented. Hux knew what he looked like; tall but too scrawny, pale but too much so to be interesting, freckled and bony and just...well, to his eyes, unattractive. While he knew logically that Kylo _must_ find him at least vaguely attractive, or else they wouldn’t be in the position they were, he wasn’t one hundred percent sure he really believed that. While they were kissing the previous night and since Kylo had started this current moment of intimacy, a voice in the back of Hux’s mind had been telling him the whole time that, even if he didn’t mean to, Kylo was just using him as a convenient proxy for his ex, or as a way of getting over or back at him. As much as Hux wanted to feel close to another person again, he wasn’t about to get involved in all that.

Hux generally considered himself a smart man, and a sensible man. Not one to be ruled by his heart OR his head, but by calm cool rationality and logic. So why was there a man in his bed that he barely knew, and clearly still had issues with his ex? It wasn’t like Hux to invite people into his life so easily, never mind his bedroom, so what made Kylo so special? He’d be lying to himself if he thought he knew the answer to that at this moment in time, but perhaps he didn’t need to know right now. Maybe it was enough to just know that he _was._

The simple truth seemed to be, Hux reasoned, that everyone had a past and everyone was entitled to a future.

As if reading his mind, Kylo took Hux’s chin between his thumb and forefinger and turned him back to face him. It took a long moment for Hux to open his eyes and look at Kylo, his chin set in an obstinate grimace.

“Hey, hey, I mean it. I think you’re beautiful, and this isn’t my poor broken heart talking. I thought so from the first time we talked, I just didn’t think you’d ever even look at me so I didn’t let myself think about it. God, I know this sounds so fucking corny, but it’s true.”

Anything Hux was about to say in reply was suddenly cut off by a loud drum roll blaring from somewhere in the darkness, loud enough that Hux got such a fright he lost balance and nearly tipped right off the edge of the bed, saved only by Kylo grabbing him at the last minute. Recognising his alarm tone, Hux pulled Kylo’s hands away and swung himself off the bed, rooting around on the floor, trying and failing to find his slacks and his phone.

Kylo was giggling. “You seriously have _Sugar Ray_ as your alarm tone? What year is this?!”

As pleasant as Kylo’s laugh was, Hux was in no mood, and threw the shirt he’d just picked up at him. “Shut up, it wakes me up and that’s all that matters!”

Calmly removing the shirt from where it had come to rest over his head, Kylo raised one eyebrow and smirked at him. “Hmm yeah, it’d wake me up too, if just so I could turn it the fuck off.”

“You’ve got a fucking cheek, like your tastes in music are any more contemporary than mine. Anyway, if you hate it that much get off your arse and help me find my phone so I can shut it up!”

It was with a slight grin and great nonchalance that Kylo tipped over to the side and reached under the bed, retrieving Hux’s slacks and his phone from a pocket with a flourish. He sat up and swung his legs off the bed, grin getting wider as Hux glared at him, obviously enjoying teasing him.

“Sorry, I would’ve said sooner, but it was right under me and, uh...the vibrations were working their magic.” He gave Hux a lascivious wink when he tore his phone and clothing from Kylo’s hands. Now that the sun was starting to creep through the windows, Hux was starting to feel very self-conscious and exposed. Usually he’d shower before getting dressed but he had a strong urge to cover himself up as fast as possible, not quite ready to believe everything Kylo had said.

Rolling his eyes, Hux tried to ram his legs into his pants and turn his alarm off at the same time. Failing miserably, he let the clothing drop to his ankles as he furiously tapped at his phone. Typical that his alarm would go off at an inopportune time like this. Now that it had he was aware that he was behind schedule and already anxious; usually he woke up a bit before his alarm went off and was already halfway through his morning routine by this time. This unexpected alteration to his schedule, combined with having to deal with the unfamiliarity of having someone in his home, was plucking at his nerves and shortening his temper. Damned phone finally silenced, he dragged his pants back up and turned towards the door, figuring that he could trust Kylo not to rob him while he showered.

“Hang on a second, what’s that?” Kylo caught Hux around the waist and hooked his finger into the front of the waistband of Hux’s boxers, pulling the left-hand side down an inch or so. He cocked his head as he read the tattoo aloud. “’ _These Violent Delights_...’, that sounds familiar. What’s it from?”

Sighing, Hux pushed Kylo’s hand away and tugged his underwear back up. “Do you want the literary source, or the pop culture one?” he snapped, tone terse. “Shall I guess which you’d be more familiar with? It’s a Shakespeare quote, but you may know it from it’s recent usage in _Westworld._ ” He fastened the button on his slacks with a snap, as if putting a full stop on the conversation.

Kylo just stood and smiled. Gently, he reached out and pushed dishevelled red hair back from Hux’s forehead with fingers so tender it made Hux’s heart ache, stroking the back of his fingers down his neck as he leaned in. His lips brushed against Hux’s the tiniest bit as he spoke;

“’For never was a story of more woe, than this of Juliet and her Romeo’.”

 

***

**Kylo’s Playlist:**

 

“Atmosphere” - Joy Division

“See a Little Light” - Bob Mould

“Just So You Know” - American Head Charge

“Strawberry” - Everclear

“Take a Picture” - Filter

 

_“It’s me against the world, still I’m losing ground,_   
_I’d kill to taste what it must be like,_   
_Cause it’s every one of my empty parts_   
_That you fill now.”_

 

There was a crowd forming outside the locked classroom door when Kylo arrived at class, but for once he didn’t feel the usual churn of annoyance and impatience in his chest. Instead he felt calmer than he had in a long time. He’d expected things to be awkward and stilted between Hux and himself this morning, ready to fully understand if Hux rebuffed his advances or regretted the previous night. OK he wouldn’t have been _happy_ about it, but he’d have gotten over it eventually. It wouldn’t have been the first time. His fears proved unfounded though, and Hux seemed happy and willing to fall back into Kylo’s arms. For a time, anyway. Hux had seemed to sense that his testy attitude had worried Kylo and made him think that Hux was starting to regret the whole night, and he had tugged Kylo in for a kiss as he left, apologising and reassuring him that he’d done nothing wrong and that Hux was just a grumpy ass in the mornings. He could still taste the minty aftertaste of Hux’s tongue in his mouth. He gnawed on his lip, savouring the memory and the small spark of hope it set.

So distracted, he didn’t realise his phone had been vibrating in his pocket until he removed it to skip tracks, and he had to suppress the grin that pulled at his lips when he saw he had three text messages, all from Hux.

_08:45 – **It occurred to me that I never thanked you for the drnik and the, um...show you put on last night. So yeah, thank you very much for that. Next time, I choose the music though.**_

Kylo felt his face colour at the reminder of his drunken antics. _Fucking hell_ , he thought, _It’s amazing that he didn’t run a mile._ The fact Hux had written “Next time” sent a small thrill through him.

_08:45 - ***drink. Sorry, I can’t bear leaving typos.**_

_08:50 – **Oh and I meant to say, regardless of anything else, you can always talk to me. About anything. School, friends, boys, girls, whatever. You don’t have to suffer in silence. Hux x**_

Giving up any attempt at not smiling he joined the crowd, blissfully unaware of his classmates curious looks and whispers about the surly giant they thought incapable of any expression other than disdain.

“Sorry guys, sorry! I’m here now, never fear.” His professor trotted from the elevators towards the group, jangling keys in one hand and a stack of folders and papers haphazardly balanced against him with his other, prosthetic hand. It was a seriously advanced bit of tech, allowing its user to hold and grip and write, but sometimes Kylo wondered if it bothered Mr Skywalker, or Luke as he preferred them to call him, that it didn’t allow him the creativity he’d once had. Though there were people in his class that didn’t show much skill with _two_ working hands, never mind one. He’d been one-hundred percent right about the artists his classmates had chosen for their essays, and he offered up a silent prayer to whatever force had sent Hux to him, for various reasons, not all of them academic. It’s a common belief that all artists are depressed and create their best work while in the doldrums of their own psyche, but Kylo was feeling more energized and productive than he had in...well, in years.

He was prodigious and precocious as a child, and had grown to be a prolific artist in his teenage years, never struggling with artistic block or similar maladies that plagued his contemporaries. His adroitness gave him the luxury of turning his hand to any medium, assured in his likely success, and the endless stream of compliments and acclaim had bolstered his ego to the point of arrogance. With arrogance and age,though, came anger; he met other artists his age, just as talented if not more so, and so unaccustomed to failure or criticism, his temper would flare at the tiniest perceived slight to his skill. Coupled with growing tensions in his home life, Kylo became introverted and explosive. His pieces became less personal and descriptive, slowly becoming more vague; shapeless forms and unrecognisable figures, dark palettes of reds and black instead of blues and white. There was a visceral quality to his brushstrokes, savage slashes against the canvas as if trying to destroy it; on more than one occasion, Kylo came out the other end of his tantrum, panting and covered in paint, to find whatever he was working on completely ruined, which would invariably start the whole cycle again.

 _Fuck_ , he’d zoned out again. He could see Luke’s bristly beard moving but hadn’t taken in a word he’d said. Usually he just didn’t particularly care to listen closely to what was being said, preferring to listen out for pertinent information with one ear while listening to music in the other. Today though, he was just preoccupied with life in general, and felt a small pang of guilt for not paying more attention. Hitting pause on Bush, he tugged out his earbud and straightened in his seat.

Luke was finishing up writing on the whiteboard and turned to face the class, clapping his hands together. “So, in summation: take the artist you wrote about, and create a self-portrait in their style! Simple as that. All your deadlines will be on the brief, and you know where I am if you need any help.”

 _What?_ _No. No no no._ _ **No.**_ Kylo could feel a cold sweat start to break out across his forehead, and his palms instantly grew damp and clammy. He couldn’t do this. This was the antithesis of – of _everything_ about Kylo himself. He _intentionally_ made sure his work wasn’t identifiable as his. It went hand in hand with his refusal to post any pictures of himself anywhere. His volitional anonymity was essentially vanity, borne from one too many unkind comments finally tearing down the fragile walls of his self-confidence. If he wasn’t out there, no one could say these things, and no one could hurt him.

The rest of class passed in a deadened haze, the room almost empty by the time Kylo realised it was over. As he was about to walk out the door, Luke stopped him, prosthetic hand cold against his chest even through his t-shirt. As soon as the frigid metal made contact, a sense memory flashed through Kylo’s mind; he could picture himself lying prone on his cold bathroom floor like he had the day before, feel the hard tile against his back, the churn of nausea in his gut and the stab of fear in his chest...

As quickly as the feeling of dread had flooded through him, so was it then washed away by the crisp smell of apples, of freshly laundered clothes and smooth, soft skin. The queasiness abated and his heart rate slowed slightly. It was all over in just a moment, but that one moment had been like a slap in the face. A slap he knew now he needed.

“Mr Ren, are you OK? You seemed a bit distracted today.” His grizzled features were creased in concern, peering up at Kylo through heavy eyebrows. “Or rather, more distracted than usual.”

Kylo stuttered over his answer, eyes darting around the room. “Uh – uh, yeah. Yeah I-I’m fine. Just, uh...thinking a lot about this project, that’s all.” He flashed his professor a weak smile and exhaled a shaky breath, praying he couldn’t see just how rattled Kylo had been. Luke dropped his hand, eyeing him carefully. His expression was kindly, even it was clear he wasn’t buying Kylo’s excuse for a second. “Hmm, as long as you’re sure. Do remember what I said though, I’m always here if my students need help or guidance.”

Kylo just answered with another small smile and a nod, relived when he could finally get out of the classroom. Pushing both earbuds back in, he went to turn his music up to its usual punishing volume, the reflex to drown out his thoughts automatic, but he stopped himself. Turning his phone over in his hands, he closed his eyes and instead tried to just focus on the lyrics. _“Breathe in, breathe out, breath in, breathe out, breathe in...”_ His heart was still hammering and his belly felt tight and troubled, but the feeling of the world ending wasn’t as pervasive as it usually would be. Swiping the screen open, he tapped through to Hux’s last message.

**_Y_ _ou don’t have to suffer in silence._ **

He traced the words with shaky fingers, mouthing them to himself, before tucking his phone away.

 

*******

22:24 – _Hey, sorry I missed your messages, and sorry for messaging you so late. Classes were...you know I don’t even know how to describe it. Just really fucking bad. I’ve been trying to work since I got home but I’ve just been staring at blank paper and nothing is coming to mind. My eyes really fucking hurt._

22:27 – _**Don’t be silly. I figured you were busy, I didn’t panic and think you were ignoring me and hated me at all, nope not once. So what happened?? Also stop worrying about messaging me too early or too late, I’m happy to hear from you whatever the time.**_

22:32 – _I'm an idiot and kind of spaced out a bit in class. Dunno if I'm a bit hungover or what – next thing I know we've got another assignment, we've got to do a self portrait in the style of the artist we picked for the last part. I fucking hate self portraits, I mean I keep my face to myself for good reason, and I have NEVER attempted this style before so I'm having a classic case of artists block. I’m trying not to freak out, I just really don’t cope well with this kind of shit._

22:34 _–_ _Sorry, I shouldn’t be unloading all this shit onto you. I don’t want to scare you off this soon._

22:37 – _**Haha, it takes a lot more than that to scare me, Kylo Ren;) I’m from Britain, we have being neurotic down to a fine art.**_

22:39 – _I don’t know why I find you so easy to talk to, but I do. I don’t even tell my best friend stuff like this._

22:42 – _**I think sometimes it’s just easier to open up to people who don’t know you very well. Like you think they’ll judge you less because they don’t know what other mistakes you’ve made.**_

 22:44 – _**And for what it’s worth, I think a self-portrait would be great, because I think you’re beautiful.**_

22:47 _–_ _Yeah, right :/ if you’re gonna lie at least TRY to make it believable_

22:52 – _**HEY >:( remember what you told me this morning? If I don’t get to say bad things about myself, you don’t get to say bad things about yourself. And like I’d waste my energy lying. That takes way too much effort. If I say something like that trust me, I MEAN IT.**_

Kylo’s stomach fluttered. He tried to think about the last time someone complimented his looks. Yes it was shallow, yes it was self-serving, but was it so wrong to want to feel attractive, or desired?

Hux’s words took him back to the morning; the taste of Hux’s skin under his lips and the way his muscles twitched and shivered under Kylo’s hands. A groan slipped through his lips when he recalled the pressure of Hux’s body against his lap, how he hadn’t pulled away or seemed weirded out by how hard Kylo had been. He’d been ready to explain it away as “morning wood” if anything was said, but the truth was he’d woken up just before Hux had climbed over him, and it was the unexpected contact combined with the faint but familiar smell of Hux’s hair and skin on his pillow where Kylo buried his head that started his blood rushing. He could feel it again now, and his hand unconsciously drifted towards his boxers. No sooner had he made contact with the fabric than he pulled it away; Hux was trying to comfort Kylo, and this is how he reacted? It was a carnal and unintentional urge, but it still sent a wave of guilt through him. Hux deserved more, deserved better than someone who apparently could only think of him in sexual terms. Kylo _knew_ he was being ridiculous, but his brain had already been sent on a track of self-loathing, and he didn’t know if he had the energy to try to talk himself around from it. He felt his erection starting to wane and breathed a sigh of relief.

22:58 – _OK, you make a valid point. And obviously I wasn’t lying this morning. I meant every word._

23:03 – _**Oh trust me, I could tell ;) If my alarm hadn’t gone off when it did I would’ve thanked you properly.**_

23:07 – _Properly?_

23:11 – _**Don’t make me spell it out for you, Ren.**_

23:13 – _I think you might have to because I have no idea what you mean._

23:18 – _**Well I might have slowly kissed my way from your neck to your nipples, gradually working my way down to your underwear, which I’d have taken off with my teeth, then I’d have teased you for a while by kissing and licking all around the base of your cock, before finally sucking you off for as long as I possibly could.**_

_**Or I might have ripped off your underwear, flipped you onto your knees, and licked you out for an hour while I gave you a reach-around. One of the two, whichever you’d prefer.** _

Kylo nearly dropped his phone, eyes bulging. He didn’t know what he expected but it definitely wasn’t that. He blushed; this was new, this was unfamiliar territory. No one had ever said anything like that to him before, and the last person he expected it to come from was Hux. He flopped over onto his back, twisting his free hand into the bedclothes in a desperate bid to deny himself the urge that was rolling through his stomach. Blood pounded in his ears, competing with the sudden return of the throbbing in his underwear. He stared at Hux’s last message. OK so maybe it _was_ alright to feel like this, now that Hux was the one being flirty?

23:23 – _UM sorry, I wasn’t expecting THAT. But definitely the second one, with a bit of the first._ _Jesus Christ,_ _I’m sorry but_ _I want you so fucking bad right now._ _This ‘taking it slow’ thing is killing me._

23:27 – _**Trust me, I’m in the same boat. If you were here...I don’t think I could take it slowly if you paid me. This is the bit where you ask me if I’m touching myself.**_

Kylo bit his lip. Should he push his luck?

23:28 – _ARE you touching yourself? I could be there. If you wanted me to be._

He knew Hux would probably say no, and rightly so, but there was no harm in asking, was there?

23:31 – _**Well let’s just say it’s hard to type on this phone with one hand…**_

_**Oh god don’t tempt me. But no, I don’t think that’d be a good idea.** _

Kylo was trying to think of a reply, fully intending to try to convince Hux otherwise, when his phone vibrated again.

23:32 – _**But maybe you don’t have to be here with me…**_

23:33 _\- ?????_

23:36 – _**I’m just saying...you’re not here but you’re still ‘with’ me, right? Like we’re talking right now. So what else could we be doing right now? Or what else could YOU be doing, seeing as I’ve been doing it for a while now.**_

What...oh. _Oh._ Kylo slowly relaxed his grip on the blankets, trembling hands pushing them down until they were past his waist.

 

Twenty minutes later he was coming hard over his hand, Hux’s name on his lips.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you'd like to hear the song that inspired the title of this fic (and loosely the fic itself), it's [here.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jJaT7qQpaqs)
> 
> And the chapter title, [here.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7JHp8Cc3wBY)
> 
> The Sugar Ray song Hux has as his alarm tone is "Mean Machine". I wont even apologise for how much I love Sugar Ray! 
> 
> Come find me on [Tumblr!](https://surfaces-ao3.tumblr.com/)
> 
> As usual, if you have any questions, comments or concerns, feel free to contact me!


	6. Obstacle 2

**Hux’s Playlist:**

“Dreaming” - Blondie

“Want” - Jawbreaker

“Peaches” - The Stranglers

“Rudie Can’t Fail” - The Clash

“Swords Of A Thousand Men” - Tenpole Tudor

 

 _“Keep mouth clamped tight, and it isn't right,  
Three words keep running round my mind,_  
_But my tongue is hard to find,_  
_I need to let it go, because I know.”_

 

“What the fuck is this we’re listening to?”

“I told you, it’s Tenpole Tudor.”

“Are they speaking English? It kinda sounds like they swallowed a mouthful of bees.”

Hux slowly turned his head to look up at Kylo from where he lay reading, head pillowed on Kylo’s stomach as they lounged on what Kylo insisted was a perfectly serviceable bed (Hux’s back begged to differ). “How very, very dare you,” he snarled in mock anger. “I will have you know that Tenpole Tudor were one of the most seminal bands of the English punk scene in the late ‘70’s, not least because Eddie Tudor-Pole featured in ‘The Great Rock ‘n’ Roll Swindle’, though I still don’t think he was a patch on Richard O’Brien on ‘The Crystal Maze’.”

He just managed to stifle a chuckle when Kylo’s features creased in confusion.

“I’m not sure I understood half of what you just said, or know who any of those people are.”

“Oh, now that’s just a lie. Everyone knows who Richard O’Brien is, even if they don’t think they do.” Kylo just looked at him blankly, and Hux sighed impatiently. “He wrote the fucking ‘Rocky Horror Show’, Kylo. He was Riff Raff in the movie. Now I _know_ you know who that is, I can see the DVD from here.”

The muscles of Kylo’s stomach shook with laughter under Hux before a large hand carded through his hair, and Hux hummed as he rolled his head into the touch. “Has anyone ever told you you’re cute when you’re being a smart-ass?” Kylo’s voice was quiet, half still joking and half tender.

“Yes, actually. All the time.” Hux told him with a cheeky smile before going back to his book.

They were in their fourth week of...whatever the hell it was they were doing. Hux didn’t know and wasn’t brave enough to ask. He assumed they were dating, and he wanted to believe they were exclusive because Kylo hadn’t given him any reason to think otherwise, but he was still loathe to have The Conversation on the off-chance Kylo’s answer wasn’t what he wanted to hear. They were still adhering to their decision to not rush into anything, and had come to a silent agreement that the best way to do this was basically to hold off on having sex for as long as possible. To actually take the time to get to know each other properly as _people_ , and not just as a comforting body for cold-weather nights. Hux felt more like a teenager than a grown man in his thirties, but it seemed to be proving to be worth it so far, and he had to admit he was enjoying it. It was nice getting to know someone slowly and without any pressure.

They had learned that they were both only children, both their fathers were dead, and neither of them got on well with their fathers while they were alive. Hux had a good relationship with his mother but hadn’t seen her in a while, and Kylo’s relationship with his mother was strained to say the least and he didn’t really like talking about it. Hux learned that Kylo’s temper was erratic and volatile, and that he tried to be compliant with his medication and therapy appointments but hated them both, and Kylo learned that Hux refused to rise to the bait of an argument and that his calm, sarcastic demeanour could frustrate Kylo till he was speechless with rage, at which point generally one of them would dissolve into laughter and the argument would be kissed away.

Hux learned that Kylo trembled when Hux kissed his inner thighs and had sensitive scars on his torso, and Kylo learned that Hux was stronger than he looked and enjoyed bossing Kylo about. They marvelled over their mutual collection of moles and freckles that matched their respective hair colours, and Kylo spent a particularly memorable evening trying to leave hickies over every freckle on Hux’s chest. Kylo said his knees had never shook like they did the first time Hux took him in his mouth while pressing him against the wall, and Hux didn’t know his stomach could spasm like it did when Kylo kissed over his hipbones.

 

*****

_The first time Hux went to Kylo’s apartment, roughly a week after that fateful night at the bar, he had no intentions of spending the night. He was tired and so was Kylo, who had come to his store to wait for him after he was finished with classes. They’d made dinner plans. When Kylo invited Hux back to his to watch Archer after dinner, Hux’s head told him no, that it wasn’t a good idea, but his heart told him ‘Go. Take the chance. You’ve got to start somewhere’, so take the chance he did._

_Kylo’s apartment was one of the nicer studio apartments Hux had seen, with a rare separate kitchen. He knew the bed amounted to a mattress on some wooden palettes, but he didn’t know that was because Kylo funnelled every spare penny he’d saved into his art supplies. He’d explained to Hux that sleeping wasn’t a priority so he refused to sink money into it, and Hux couldn’t fault his logic. He spent more time at his easel and his computer than in his bed, after all._

_Hux’s heart had swelled with affection when Kylo had apologised profusely for the state of the apartment, which was barely untidy. It seemed like such a silly thing to be touched by, that Kylo would worry what Hux thought of his home. He was well accustomed to people seeking his approval, but Hux had never cared about reassuring someone that they had before. That was a lifetime ago though, and something about Kylo’s vulnerability had melted some of the ice that had formed around Hux’s heart in the intervening years. It frightened him a little, just how quickly his defences started to fall when faced with a crooked smile and sparkling eyes, and Hux was scared that if he wasn’t careful he’d give Kylo anything and everything he asked for. If he did and it all went awry, he wasn’t certain that he’d have anything left to give ever again._

_Apart from his desk chairs Kylo had no real seating, so they’d flopped down onto the bed, and in an instant Kylo had his arm around Hux, pulling him close to nuzzle into Hux’s hair. Hux reached up to palm Kylo’s face and Kylo had sighed as he turned to press into his hand, moaning softly as Hux stroked his stubbly cheek. The small sound had made Hux’s chest constrict as he realised just how touch-starved Kylo must have been if tiny moments of tender contact could elicit such a response. Hux settled against Kylo’s chest, hand over his heart. Despite the fact they’d already been practically naked together, Hux felt it was so disproportionately intimate that it stunned him for a minute; the simple act of being able to hear Kylo’s heartbeat, being able to feel his chest move when he breathed, made him feel closer to him in that moment than he could remember ever feeling towards another person in his life._

_When the show finished, neither of them made any attempt to move, just letting the television move on to whatever was on next. Hux wasn’t paying it any attention, hadn’t been for a while. Instead he’d been running the back of his hand up and down Kylo’s chest and stomach. It had been nothing but an absent-minded action, he hadn’t even realised he was doing it, until Kylo’s breath hitched as Hux’s knuckles slid across the tiny strip of skin between his jeans and t-shirt. Hux had frozen, scared to breathe in case he’d done something wrong, until Kylo had whispered “Don’t stop,” with a breathless sigh. Turning his face upwards, Hux resumed his movements as he pressed his lips to Kylo’s neck, working his way up to plant damp kisses along the line of his jaw. He could feel Kylo’s heartbeat speed up under his hand and under his lips, hear his breath quickening, see his tongue flicking out to wet his lips before his mouth fell open. As his hand made its way up Kylo’s chest, Hux kept going, running it up his neck to palm his cheek and turn Kylo’s lips to his._

_Their mouths were hungry, and Kylo had rolled over to pin Hux down on his back with one hand on his cheek, forearm comfortingly firm against his chest. They whiled away a few long minutes doing nothing else, until the heat burning low in his stomach told Hux that it wasn’t enough any more and the fragile strings of restraint began to snap._

_Hux’s fingers secured themselves deep in Kylo’s hair and tugged enough that Kylo got the hint, lifting his body so Hux could slide his other arm under him and roll Kylo on top of him properly. Firmly secured between Hux’s thighs, Kylo took Hux’s face in both his hands and peppered barely-there kisses all over, from his eyelids to his lips and every freckle in between, and Hux’s walls crumbled entirely._

_Scrabbling hands found purchase on the hem of Kylo’s t-shirt, and Hux pulled it up and over his head before Kylo had a chance to react, swiftly followed by Hux’s own shirt. The second it was off Hux pulled Kylo back against him, digging his nails into Kylo’s muscular back and fastening his lips to one milk-white collar bone. He could hear Kylo groaning as he dragged his teeth over the flesh of Kylo’s chest, followed by an annoyed sound of his own brought on by Kylo wrestling Hux’s wrists into his hands and pinning them above his head, pulling out of reach of Hux’s searching lips._

_Kylo’s lips were cherry-red and swollen, and the lazy smile he had given Hux had made his growing erection throb. He wined and tried to pull his wrists free, but Kylo’s hands were too strong and Hux wasn’t actually trying very hard, if he was being honest with himself._

“ _Now now, what was it you said you’d do to me when you had me in this position? You would have slowly kissed from here...” he dropped his lips to Hux’s neck, and Hux could feel Kylo speaking against his skin. “...down here...” his lips trailed lower, “...to here.” He mouthed delicately at one rose-tinted nipple, and Hux sank his teeth into his lower lip, trapping his gasp. “What was next?”_

_Hux had flushed bright red. He’d been forced to admit that while he had the guts to be flirtatious and dirty via text, he didn’t even have the nerve to repeat what he’d described to Kylo that night, never mind actually instigate it._

“ _Well,” Kylo had purred, smooth as silk, releasing Hux’s wrists, “it’s just as well I have the guts tonight then, isn’t it?”_

_The noise that came from Hux’s mouth was completely undignified, but he had been too distracted to notice never mind care. His flesh had quivered and twitched against Kylo’s warm mouth and damp tongue as he mapped every peak and every valley from Hux’s chest to his ribs to his soft lower belly, biting down and sucking hard before soothing the nip with a kiss. Kylo’s hands tickled down Hux’s sides to hold his waist firm, thumbs gently stroking as Kylo left a trail of love bites from one hip to the other. Hux had clapped a hand over his mouth to muffle the loud keening noise he was making, but Kylo reached up and pulled it away._

“ _Don’t you dare,” he growled, “I don’t care who hears us. I want to hear every sound you make...”_

_It didn’t matter because Hux’s breath caught and he fell silent as Kylo began to unfasten Hux’s jeans, pulling them off before he could argue. Hux wasn’t even going to argue, he was beyond ready for whatever Kylo was about to do to him. Going slow be damned, Hux needed Kylo’s mouth on him **now**. Kylo babbled incoherent words ardor of against Hux’s stomach, breath coming hard and fast, fingertips creeping into the waistband of Hux’s black boxer briefs._

_Kylo suddenly sat up and threw his hair back out of his eyes, staring intensely at Hux. “I’ve wanted to see you naked since the first time I set eyes on you.” Kylo had panted, pale face flushed and pink lips puffy. Hux could feel the nervous tremor in Kylo’s arm as he left one finger hooked into the waistband, running it left to right across Hux’s stomach, clearly seeking Hux’s consent to remove the offending underwear but not daring to say it aloud for fear of a rebuff._

_Hux had just planted his feet against the mattress to raise his hips and gave Kylo a small smirk._

“ _So what are you waiting for?”_

_The relief on Kylo’s face made Hux’s stomach flip, the lopsided smile giving way to a low growl and a bitten lip._

_He ran his hands the length of Hux’s body, from his shoulders to his knees and back up, stopping to gently stroke the crease of his hips with the pads of his thumbs._

“ _You’re beautiful.” Kylo had breathed, wonder-struck. Hux buried his face in his bicep, blushing as red as his hair, but a strong hand on his jaw gently tugged him around to face Kylo again. Kylo brushed his thumb across Hux’s lower lip. “I want to see you. No, I **need** to see you.”_

_He kept his eyes fixed on Hux’s face as he slowly leaned back down, scooting backwards to litter Hux’s hips and soft inner thighs with kisses. Hux stared down at him through glassy eyes and heavy lids, barely able to breathe through the anticipation building in his chest. He had fully expected Kylo to tease him as Hux himself had threatened to tease Kylo, so he wasn’t prepared for the double shock of Kylo gripping his cock hard as he dropped his mouth to circle his tongue around the head. Hux gasped, back arching off the bed, every thought driven from his head. All he could process was the warmth of Kylo’s mouth and the feeling of his tongue dipping down to lap around his foreskin._

_He buried one hand in Kylo’s hair, the other braced against the wall behind his head. Kylo had one hand tight around the base of Hux’s cock and one hand gently stroking his inner thigh, inching closer and closer to his balls, and Hux squirmed as he tried to get the contact his body craved. Every time though Kylo drew his hand back just before he got there, and Hux whined with frustration. The knot of tension was already building, and every time Kylo hollowed his cheeks to suck hard it sent jolts of electricity down Hux’s legs. He stroked the firm muscles of Kylo’s back with one foot before wrapping both long legs around him, holding him tight and eliciting a hum of pleasure from him that vibrated Hux’s cock and nearly tipped him over the edge._

_Hux was overwhelmed. The very fact that Kylo had part of Hux inside him was blowing his mind, but the feeling of the head of his cock bumping the back of Kylo’s throat made stars burst behind his eyes. He couldn’t stop his eyes from clenching shut as Kylo began slowly pumping his fist up and down and finally raised his hand to roll Hux’s balls gently in his palm, tugging every so slightly. It was too much; he managed a strangled warning, expecting Kylo to pull back, but instead he just gulped harder while he wrung out every drop of come Hux had to give, swallowing and sucking Hux through the aftershocks of his orgasm before sitting up with a satisfied sigh._

_Tender kisses worked their way up Hux’s body, and he was vaguely aware of a tongue lapping into his mouth, but Hux was barely cognizant as Kylo wrapped him in his arms. He felt like he was flying, and he didn’t ever want to come back down from this cloud._

*

The seemingly endless chill of early spring had suddenly given way to what could almost be called a heat wave, and the two men had taken to hanging out at Kylo’s, whose third floor studio apartment boasted a set of floor-to-ceiling French windows that let in far more air than any window at Hux’s place. It was about the only positive feature of the tiny space, but when Kylo described the quality of light at certain times of the day, then invited Hux to see it for himself, he started to see the attraction. The last rays of afternoon sun were giving way to a balmy twilight, and the air smelled clean and fresh when Hux groaned and stretched, realising he really needed to get his ass in gear. Kylo lifted his head when Hux moved, looking down at him with mournful eyes.

“Do you really have to go? Already?”

“Yes, unfortunately. I said I’d lock up for Doph, he needs to leave early today. I think he’s got a date but he refuses to be drawn on the subject, much to my eternal chagrin. It’s like he doesn’t understand that I need gossip to survive.” Hux quite liked the nervous young man, not that he’d ever let his employee know that,andtheir shared anal-retentiveness made for smooth sailing when it came to running the book store. He was not looking forward to Kylo finding that particular fact out, though. So far he’d been fortunate and been able to be ‘casual Hux’ around Kylo, and he wasn’t looking forward to the day Kylo discovered he was actually a self-confessed uptight neat-freak with authority issues andthe mother of all daddy issues.

The doorbell chimed merrily as Hux shouldered his way through the door of his store, fighting the way the muggy weather made the wood swell and stick. The brisk evening breeze pulled it shut behind him to bang hard off the frame, and Hux winced at the noise as multiple sets of eyes swivelled to seek out the source of the noise, including the small Shiba Inu that was straining at its leash to inspect this newcomer. He started to say “No dogs allowed” but was interrupted by the tallest of the three humans squealing as she descended upon Hux, enveloping him in a crushing, Thierry Mugler-scented embrace.

“Hux! It’s so good to see you, I was starting to forget what you looked like!”

He patted the woman on the back, somewhat affectionately but mostly to signal to her that he couldn’t breath and to let him go. “Phas, it’s been eight weeks, and you facetimed me the day before yesterday.” he squeaked, mouth muffled against the woman’s shoulder.

Phasma released him, stepping back to look at him properly. “I know, but I still missed you! And Mitaka was just telling us that you’ve been seeing someone,” she gave him a lascivious wink, and Hux shuddered, “so obviously something’s changed in the time I’ve been away.”

Hux glared daggers into Mitaka, who sheepishly slid out of view, coming through the back room door coat in hand. Hux scowled at him through his mumbled goodbyes, even when the door closed behind him, before turning back to Phasma and properly noticing the man next to her for the first time. He was striking; a bitshorter than Hux and olive-skinned with sooty black hair that curled on his forehead and chocolatey brown eyes that were staring openly at Hux, smirking ever so slightly. Hux bit his lip. Why was the universe suddenly throwing handsome strangers at him? Not that he was complaining, but it was pretty bad timing. Phasma turned and started wittering at her friend and Hux took the opportunityto duck out, sliding past the two and through the back room andturning the kettle on. Curious, he tiptoed as quietly as his boots would allow to peek around the door through to the counter. Phasma’s friend was still looking at him, his eyes flicking past Phasma’s arm to look through the counter hatch to catch Hux looking, and Hux felt an uncomfortable prickle run down his spine.

He whipped back behind the door. “Could you keep an eye out for any customers needing me, Phas? I’ll be right back, I’ve just stuck the kettle on. Either of you want one?” He let it all rush out in one breath and didn’t wait for their answer, instead striding back into the small kitchen and leaning against the sink for a second, the metal cool against his burning skin. _Pull yourself together, Armitage,_ he told himself savagely, _You’re overreacting._ Standing straight, he adjusted his tie and reached for the cupboards. His hands still shook as he took out a box of camomile teabags and his favourite tea cup, and he cursed at himself. Why was he so shaken? There was...something about Phasma’s friend that wasn’t sitting right with Hux. He was stunningly handsome, that much was obvious, but that washardly a bad thing. He’d clearly given Hux the come-on eye which wasn’t something he was used to, but not something to be suspicious over. No this was something else, and that something was setting Hux’s teeth on edge.

Phasma’s voice carried through to him, “No thanks, we’re fine. We just stopped in for a minute to see if you were here to say hi, we’re on our way to dinner after we take BB home.”

The horrible guilt of good old-fashioned English politeness crept over Hux, and sighing loudly he went back to the front counter, not even noticing that he was still clutching his empty teacup in a vice grip. His smile felt fake and forced, and it was already making his cheek muscles ache, but Phasma didn’t seem to notice. _This is fine_ , he thought, _it’s five minutes, what’s the worst that cou-_

“Hey, Phas, ain’t you gonna introduce me to your friend here?”

Phasma covered her mouth and gasped in mock horror. “Oh sorry, where are my manners? Hux, this is Poe.”

The cup made the prettiest sound as it smashed on the floor.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you'd like to hear the song that inspired the title of this fic (and loosely the fic itself), it's [here.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jJaT7qQpaqs)
> 
> And the chapter title, [here.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kNzLGgl4t8M)
> 
> I'm sorry this chapter took so long, but I am NOT sorry that it is 100% self-indulgent smutty punk-rock fun.
> 
> Come find me on [Tumblr!](https://surfaces-ao3.tumblr.com/)
> 
> As usual, if you have any questions, comments or concerns, feel free to contact me!


	7. The Boy With The Thorn In His Side

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Word of warning: the last scene may come across as dub-con but I would like to make it very clear NOW that both participants have very much consented to all acts contained herein. Tags have been updated to reflect this.

**Kylo’s Playlist:**

 

“Clavicle” - Alkaline Trio

“Nightcall” - Kavinsky

“Atmosphere” - Joy Division

“Gouge Away” - The Pixies

“Born in ‘69” - Rocket From The Crypt

  __

_“You gave me your phone number, I gave you mine,_   
_Before you left I said that you can bet,_   
_I'll be bothering you soon,_   
_You said "No bother, please do”.”_

 

 

“Whoa, whoa Hux stop, I can’t understand you. _Who_ was in your store?”

“ _Poe, Kylo. Poe your ex-boyfriend was in my store.”_ Hux’s voice was icy and snipped, a sure sign that he was beyond angry and was veering towards furious. Kylo could picture him now; Hux was so controlled in everything he did, and his anger was no different. He would be standing in the back room of the book store because heaven forbid a customer hear Hux’s personal affairs, back straight and eyes fixed on a point only he could see. His pale face would show absolutely no indication of his internal mood, no matter how hot his temper burned, but Kylo knew Hux’s warning signs: as he grew more and more tense he would begin to tremble, barely visible but all too tangible, and his usually impeccable hair would begin to drift out of place to fall in soft wisps across his forehead. It happened whenever he was wound up or stimulated, and Kylo could think of a million ways he’d rather Hux be shaking and disordered than it being through sheer anger.

Kylo felt an instant chill run through his body. “What the fuck do you mean Poe was in your store? Why the fuck would he be there? And how would you know who he was?”

“ _Because Kylo, it turns out he knows my friend Phasma, and he came in with her.”_

“Hang on, _you_ know Phasma? Tall, blonde, English Phasma?”

“ _Yes that fucking Phasma, how many people called Phasma do you think I’m likely to know?”_

Confusion creased Kylo’s face. “How could we both know her but not each other?” An innocent observation, but a poorly-timed one nonetheless.

Hux’s voice was barely higher than a whisper on the other end of the line, a sign that he was nearing the end of his tether. _“Christ on a crutch Kylo, I don’t fucking know. Probably something to do with her being military and ridiculously private. How we know Phasma is not the issue here, we can discuss that another time. The current issue is the fact that your ex was in my store with our mutual friend and now I don’t know what he might or might not know about me, and that doesn’t sit well with me I’m afraid.”_

Kylo bit the inside of his bottom lip so hard he tasted blood. He didn’t know what to say to console Hux, to reassure him that Phasma wouldn’t tell Poe anything bad about someone she considered a friend, but he doubted that Phasma potentially exposing his faults wasn’t what Hux was worried about. No, it was more likely the very idea of someone, _anyone,_ possibly knowing the particulars of his life when he knew nothing of theirs except for what he’d heard from one incredibly biased source. Hux was a private person who did not give up his power easily.

Hux repeating Kylo’s name over and over, voice rising with every repetition, on the other end of the phone told Kylo he’d drifted away in thought, and he snapped his attention back.

“I’ll speak to Phasma and see what she said. If she said anything, I mean,” he corrected quickly, “But you know what she’s like, I mean obviously you do if you’re friends with her too. She won’t even tell me her full name! The chances of her telling Poe anything about you are slim. If they’re going to talk about anyone behind their back it’d be me, not you.”

There was a beat of silence before Hux spoke, silence Kylo knew was the calm before the storm.

“ _Funnily enough Kylo, I don’t really enjoy the idea of them bitching about_ you _either_.”

“Well what am I supposed to do about it, Hux?” snapped Kylo, temper rising. “What am I supposed to say? I didn’t exactly send him a gilded invitation to come back here with your name and address on it. What the fuck do you want me to do here?”

There was a sharp breath and then the chirpy beep of the line being disconnected. Hux had hung up.

_Fuck._

 

*******

Life Of Agony were loud in his ears and the sun was warm on the nape of Kylo’s neck, easing some of the stiffness in his shoulders but doing nothing for his mood. It would be melodramatic to say he had the weight of the world on his shoulders, but nevertheless that was how he felt. The ever-present threat of bumping into his ex had his every nerve on edge, determined that he would not be the one surprised like poor Hux. He could see him now, jaw set and brows lowered as he took in what Kylo had to say, what Kylo claimed was the _truth_. He’d opened up to Hux about the breakup with Poe but...he hadn’t quite opened up all the way. Too eager to test the waters of his new-found attraction, he left out the parts that painted him in a bad light and crafted a scenario that made him sound faultless, but now...now he’d waded in those waters and found them warm and welcoming, and he knew he had no choice but to come clean and tell the truth. With each passing minute he felt the tide of his lie rise higher and higher, and a part of him thought it might be better to just let himself drown.

His laptop and sketchbooks littered the ground in front of him as he lounged on the grass of his favourite park, the pictures he’d taken of Hux’s fathers book backed up for easy access even though they were practically seared into his memory from hours spent staring at them. He could do with having a proper read of it though. Unfortunately he doubted it’d be wise to ask Hux for any favours any time soon. Ever again, maybe. His stomach sank at that thought. A little voice nagged him to remember that in that situation _he hadn’t actually done anything wrong_ , that he had no way of knowing that Poe would would suddenly turn up at Hux’s store unannounced with their mutual friend, but he’d be damned if he’d listen to it. _Sure I didn’t do anything wrong...this time. I still can’t exactly claim the moral high-ground._

As strong as the temptation was, he talked himself out of making a mental checklist of all the ways he was sabotaging his own life. All the self-loathing in the world wasn’t going to make things right with Hux, or pay his rent, or help him pass his classes. He’d tried to funnel it into his artwork because it should have been easy; use his dark and brooding frame of mind to paint a dark and brooding self-portrait in the style of an artist whose work could pretty accurately be described as ‘dark and brooding’. But no, as luck would have it being miserable really wasn’t helping, and instead he was finding himself at his most inspired and creative when he was around Hux. _Muse_ would be a strong term, but it was feeling more and more accurate with every passing hour in Hux’s company. There was just something about the way he was constructed; the vibrancy and contrast of the colours in his hair and eyes, and the texture of his skin, and the cadence of his voice.

His mind was suddenly and, if Kylo was being honest with himself, welcomely distracted from his current inner turmoil by a dog barrelling into the back of his shoulder, barking out a noise that sounded like “Borf!” and knocking his phone from his hand and earphones from his ears, preventing him from sending Hux the incredibly schmaltzy text he’d just been composing. It bounded around him in a small circle. Excited, happy, energetic. Everything Kylo wasn’t, basically. _Typical._ _Even a dog has it easier than me._ He wanted to be annoyed with it’s owner, wherever they were, but he was a sucker for dogs and the distraction was nice, and the bouncing Shiba Inu was clearly a pro at distracting people if the undignified squealing noise Kylo made as it placed it’s paws on his shoulders and licked his face was anything to go by.

The little dog was still lavishing Kylo with affection when he heard a bright voice calling behind him. A voice that sounded familiar, but Kylo shook his head as if to tell himself he was being ridiculous. _No, surely not…_ twisting, he craned his neck and head back to look at the man coming down the hill behind him. The sun high behind the figure threw him into complete silhouette, but Kylo would recognise the loops and whorls of that curly hair anywhere, and now the familiarity of the voice slammed home.

“Hey Ren. Long time, no see.”

His mouth went dry. What felt like a lifetime passed before his tongue unglued itself from the roof of his mouth, but that didn’t help the fact that Kylo had no idea what to say. His brain had stopped functioning at _‘He has a beard’_ and that didn’t seem like the ideal opening gambit. He’d dreamt about this moment for so long but always with him being prepared, and always with the belief that it would never happen. Now here it was. Happening. When he was at his least prepared. With what felt like a Herculean effort he raised a hand to shade his eyes as he unstuck his teeth, which were clamped together so tight his jaw ached, and willed his voice to stay steady and not quaver. “And whose fault is that?”

“Hmm well, I guess that depends on who you ask now, don’t it?” Poe squinted down at Kylo with the same sly, lopsided smile that had made Kylo’s heart do somersaults all those years ago, and he felt a hollow ache bloom in the pit of stomach as he realised it still did the same today. _No..._ _no no NO,_ he scolded himself, _do not even THINK about_ _it. HE hurt YOU, remember?_

_Sure Kylo. You keep telling yourself that._

Poe glanced around as Kylo’s awkward silence continued, before filling it himself. “Oooookay, well it was nice running into you, Kylo. Or rather I guess it was nice that my dog ran into you. Actually I don’t know that nice is the word I’d use to describe this. I forgot how that talking to you is like talking to a _ghost_.”

A low blow. Classic Poe. Kylo jumped to his feet, incensed.

“So why the fuck _are_ you talking to me right now, Poe? You don’t normally make a habit of talking to the people you’ve dumped.”

Poe smirked, and Kylo’s fist itched to wipe the smug look off his face. “Is that what you told your boyfriend?”

Kylo swayed, taken aback and unprepared. “He’s not my boyfriend,” he bit back.

The smirk didn’t go anywhere. Poe just looked at the ground and scoffed out a humourless laugh before looking back at Kylo with one eyebrow raised. He opened his mouth to speak but stopped as if thinking better of it, and slowly took a few steps backwards before shaking his head and turning to walk away. Kylo watched him go, scowling, and was about to walk away himself when Poe turned back to him.

“Kylo?”

“What?”

“Does he know that?”

 

*******

15:45 – _Hey. How are you?_

15:51 – _**I’m busy, that is how I am.**_

15:52 – _Sorry, I just really need to talk to you._

16:02 – _**Fine. Go.**_

16:04 – _No I mean I REALLY need to talk to you. Preferably in person. Can I come over tonight?_

16:08 – _**I’d really rather you didn’t.**_

16:10 – _Please, Hux. It’s important._

16:18 – _**Against my better judgement, I’LL come over to YOURS when I’m finished at work. At least that way I can leave if/when I please.**_

16:20 – _Thank you. I’m sorry x_

 

*******

It felt like he’d barely shut his eyes when Kylo found himself awake, tilting his head to the right and grousing quietly under his breath as the checked the time and found it to be only a little after five. Oh. That was because he _had_ barely shut his eyes. It had taken him over an hour to get up the nerve to spill the truth, the _whole_ truth, about his relationship and subsequent break-up with Poe to Hux, who had listened in steely silence with a convincingly bored expression on his face.

He told him everything. About Poe, the family friend who had more in common with Kylo’s parents than they had with their own son. Poe, who Kylo thought painted the stars and hung the moon. Who doted on Kylo but whose love wasn’t enough to pull him out of the doldrums of his mind. Hux had sat, stoic and statuesque, until Kylo finally ran out of steam. He chewed the inside of his cheek, a habit that Kylo had learned meant he was carefully analysing exactly what he wanted to say next, before he eventually spoke.

“So, are you saying he _didn’t_ break up with you?”

Sighing heavily, Kylo had leaned forward, elbows on knees and his head in his hands. “Yeah, technically he didn’t break up with me. He _did_ leave me, but only because he took _my_ actions to mean _I_ was finishing things with _him_. And I didn’t stop him. I told myself that I did nothing wrong and that he was completely at fault because he should have stayed!” He could feel his voice rising as he choked on a sob, but couldn’t help himself. His stomach was on fire and he needed to get it out before the crushing guilt ate him alive. “I needed him and he left because I didn’t tell him how much I needed him, and if I’d just fucking told him instead of just ghosting and acting like he was just supposed to _know_ this he wouldn’t have left me!”

In no way was this fair; sitting breaking your heart about the circumstances of your break up with your ex, to someone you’d only recently become friends with and suddenly intimate with, is not a great idea. What he was expecting to achieve, Kylo didn’t know. A weight being lifted off his mind? A closer relationship with Hux? Hux to push him away completely like he deserved? Either way, it was done now.

“Sooo...is this something you do often, or…?

Kylo’s head snapped up, ready to defend himself against what he figured would be a volley of judgement from Hux. Instead he saw a wry smile and eyes soft but with a hint of sadness.

“I understand, Kylo,” Hux said with a heavy sigh, voice so thin and brittle it made Kylo’s chest constrict. “I really do. Although lies of omission are obviously still _lies_ , it’s not like you told me a completely different story. Yes you left out some details, yes Poe isn’t the awful guy you made him out to be, but...” his voice wavered, and he bit his lip and looked off into the distance. “I’m not angry that you lied. I’m not even too sure why I was angry with you about Poe turning up here. I think...I think I was angry because deep down I knew you were still hung up on him, and when he turned up here I just thought...” He trailed off, swallowing hard. “I though ‘there’s no way I can compete with him’”

Hux had lifted his hand to stop Kylo interrupting before the words even left his mouth. “No. I’m not finished. And I’m not happy. You still lied to me, and I want to know why. Was it to make yourself look good? Did you think I’d just fall into bed with you? Whatever it was, lying is never worth whatever you’re trying to get out of it, I can tell you that.”

Kylo reached for Hux’s hand, but Hux had snatched it away as soon as if burned.

“Don’t you fucking dare,” he’d snarled, “I said I understand, not that I’m ok with it.”

Slumping back in his seat, Kylo had scrubbed his face with his hands and groaned. “Tell me what you want me to do, Hux. Tell me how I can make this right. If you’ve learned anything about me today it’s that I apparently cannot be trusted to do the right thing in these situations.” If he had to beg, he’d beg. If Hux wanted him to prostrate himself on the floor he’d gladly lick his boots clean if it meant Hux would just give him a chance to make it up to him. “I’ve said I’m sorry, I don’t know what more I can do, Hux. Just please, please tell me because I don’t want to lose you too.”

“Make things right, Kylo! Clear the air, that’s what you can do!” Hux had practically yelled, waving his hands and making Kylo flinch. “You say you want to be with me, but you’re still carrying all this baggage from a previous relationship, and that’s not fair on anyone. I deserve better. _Poe_ deserves more. Phasma too, because I don’t want things to be awkward for her too now that she undoubtedly knows that we all know her, as well as knowing that we’re...together, for want of a better word.”

Hux stood, pulling Kylo to his feet with another heavy sigh. “Just...apologise to everyone who deserves an apology. Maybe then you can start putting it behind you and _really_ start to move forward.” Taking Kylo by the hand, he’d tugged him towards the bed. “I’m sure you can think of other ways of making it up to me...”

He knew it wasn’t over with, that there was more Hux wasn’t saying and more that Kylo hadn’t told him, but now wasn’t the time to discuss that. A weight had been lifted and that was enough for now. He let Hux lead him to the bed and collapsed boneless on his back when Hux pushed him gently yet firmly down, and as terrified as he was of having to finally face his mistakes head on, at least he knew he wasn’t going to have to do it alone...

*****

Sighing he tilted his head the other way to look at Hux as best he could; his left arm was trapped under Hux’s head, hair soft against his skin, and he could feel one warm hand holding on to his wrist. The room was lit only by the soft grey-purple light of dawn through the clouds, but Hux’s hair glinted like burnished copper all the same. Rolling over a little he buried his nose in it, inhaling that green apple scent that had quickly become something Kylo associated with happiness, and safety, and peace of mind. He couldn’t see Hux’s face but he could picture it; lips parted slightly, hair falling against his forehead in that way that made Kylo’s heart feel like bursting with the strength of the affection he felt, affection that Kylo was too confused to put a name to. Spots of rose pink high on his cheekbones, lips pale and dry. Dryness that Kylo ached to soothe, to run his tongue across and make warm and soft and pliant again. He rolled his forehead against Hux’s hair to look down the length of their bodies, just visible in the gloom.

His body was angled away from Hux’s leaving only the slightest distance between them. Just enough to run his fingers feather-light down Hux’s back, marvelling at the way his muscles contracted and his spine arched away from then back into his touch. Sharply recoiling, then slowly returning. He could still scarcely believe he still had the freedom to touch him in this manner. This strange, cold, _private_ person who had opened his arms and his _life_ to Kylo with barely a seconds thought, with such little hesitancy that Kylo still felt wrong-footed as if the rug was going to be swept away any minute. Hux still seemed like a walking contradiction to Kylo, and they’d promised not just each other but themselves that they’d take their time getting to know each other before committing fully, but this didn’t feel like taking their time any more. He wanted to know _everything_ about Hux _now_. Wanted to know what his upbringing was like, how he liked his cereal, what his political opinions were and what he would look like with sweat streaming down his chest as he rode Kylo’s cock. How the fuck did he get here? Why the fuck was he here when he was sure he didn’t deserve to be, with a man in his arms who had just...just _forgiven_ him, and told him to go make amends with his ex. How? How did he get so lucky?

“Tell me,” he whispered into the warm red locks, hoarse and barely audible. “Tell me what I did to deserve you...”

_Must be your skin, I’m sinking in..._

Hux’s breathing was slow and even, but it caught in soft little huffs whenever Kylo brushed his fingertips over areas he knew were particularly sensitive; the nape of his neck, the edge of his ribcage, the crease of his hips. It told him Hux wasn’t as deeply asleep as he’d thought. Kylo stilled, hand paused on Hux’s hip, listening for the sound evening out again to signal that Hux was completely under again. It didn’t come. Holding his breath he trailed his fingers down, around the delicate skin of Hux’s ass and upper thigh, releasing it in a quiet moan of his own as the act of dragging a single finger up between Hux’s thighs and the cleft of his cheeks earned him a tiny dry whimper from the somnolent man. Buoyed by this reaction Kylo repeated the motion, downwards this time, and whispered Hux’s name in a hushed question. Nothing. Most likely feeling everything in a dream, and Kylo was tempted to make that dream even sweeter.

_Must be for real, ‘cause now I can feel..._

They’d discussed this. Discussed bedroom matters and preferences and, to a certain extent, dos and don’ts and wills and wonts, so Kylo knew that as he drew his finger across his tongue and slid it gently against the lax ring of muscles of Hux’s ass that he wasn’t doing anything Hux himself hadn’t expressed an interest in. Kylo’s heart had flattened against his chest wall when Hux had described how he wanted Kylo to use him, use his _body_ , straddling his legs and grinding down on Kylo’s crotch hard enough to make him gasp, right at the edge of painful. It was just as well Millicent had jumped from her perch on the door right onto Kylo’s head, causing a laughing fit that left them both breathless; Kylo had been dangerously close to begging Hux to show him exactly how he wanted to be used, make him Hux’s slave to do with as he pleased.

A soft, almost silent keening sound told Kylo that Hux was finally edging into wakefulness, and Kylo took advantage of this to finally slip his finger past that muscle into Hux’s hole, biting his lip to keep from moaning loudly as the tight heat locked around him. He didn’t think he’d ever stop being awed by just how amazing it felt to sink into Hux’s hole, slowly at first until he coaxed him open. It seemed like no time at all before he could easily slip in a second digit, thrusting slowly and deeply but intentionally avoiding his prostate. He wanted to draw this out, wanted it to _last._ The feeling of being inside Hux was addictive and Kylo didn’t want torn away any sooner than was strictly necessary.

“Shh, baby. Just relax. I’ve got you...” Kylo whispered in Hux’s ear, nipping gently at the lobe. The only response Hux gave was to turn and press his face into Kylo’s bicep, his breath hot and damp on Kylo’s skin. Both his hands were holding on now, one grasping his arm while the digits of the other wove themselves between Kylo’s fingers. Kylo responded in kind, closing his hand to grip Hux’s hand tight, and just that simple gesture made Hux whine, shaky and hoarse.

_I’ll never forget where you’re at..._

He could feel the tension in Hux’s body and tell that he was barely resisting the urge to fuck himself back on Kylo’s fingers as fast as he wanted to, like he knew Kylo would let him if he tried. Part of Kylo wanted Hux to do it, wanted to see his beautiful boy fall apart as he worked himself harder and harder until he finally spilled over, face screwed up tight as his mouth fell open in ecstasy. But no. Hux, as in all things, was too much in control for that. It may have been Kylo’s fingers working him open over and over again, but he knew it was Hux who was at the reigns. A single word and Kylo would go faster or slower or stop altogether if that was what Hux wanted. Hux’s ongoing silence was a sign to Kylo to just keep up what he was doing, so he continued with the same agonisingly slow pace, almost slipping his fingers out entirely before gliding them home again while resisting the urge to drag them across the bundle of nerves he knew would send Hux into raptures. God how much he wanted to replace his fingers with his cock, to sink into that tight heat over and over until it set them both on fire.

A tendril of sense reached through the fog in Kylo’s mind, urging him to notice how long he’d been fingering Hux for and how dry his digits had become, and he muttered an apology to Hux, who groaned at the loss of Kylo’s fingers, promising he’d be fast and reaching over Hux to rummage through his bedside drawer for the bottle of lube. As much as it pained him to tear himself away, it’d pain Hux more if he didn’t. Spit could only do so much and he wasn’t about to hurt him. Not when he hadn’t explicitly asked to be hurt, anyway. He squeezed a generous blob of gel onto his fingers, dropping the bottle onto the mattress in his rush, and rubbed it between his fingers to warm it up as best he could. Hux still flinched with a tiny gasp as the cool liquid hit his burning skin, turning it into a hoarse whine as Kylo buried his fingers inside him again. The minutes bled away as they lay locked together, their heavy panting and quiet moaning the only sound in the dark room. Still Kylo refused to rush and still Hux refused to push him, even when Kylo could no longer control himself and pulled himself closer to Hux to grind his cock against his tailbone. He could barely feel his left hand any more but he couldn’t care less; all he was aware of was the warmth of Hux’s body and the tiny, vulnerable cries coming from his throat that vibrated against Kylo’s lips and tongue, and Kylo felt like he might come just from listening to those sounds. Hux’s breathing quickened as his hole began to flutter around Kylo’s fingers, spurring him to _finally_ twist his hand to graze his fingertips across Hux’s prostate, feeling it swell against his digits and almost _throb_ as he worked Hux closer and closer to orgasm. He didn’t know how Hux was resisting the urge to grab hold of his own dick to work himself, it must have been hard to the point of pain, but he didn’t have the time to care; all too soon Hux’s breathing quickened and his voice rose until he was loudly huffing air more than moaning, building to a strangled yell as he came with a ferocity that shocked them both. Stars sparked behind Kylo’s eyes as he squeezed them shut and buried his face in Hux’s shoulder, panting as he slowed his movements and littered his neck and shoulders with kisses as Hux rode the waves of his orgasm, Kylo’s own pleasure completely forgotten. Shaking, he nuzzled into Hux’s hair, which was damp with sweat from the both of them but still smelled perfectly sweet to Kylo.

_You got a beautiful taste..._

_Don’t let the days go by..._

“Mmm...morning, beautiful,” he kissed around to Hux’s ear, his voice still thick with lust.

Hux’s voice was ragged as he tried to speak, “Ren?”

“Yes, Hux?”

“You’re still an arsehole.”

“That’s fair.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all I'd like to offer my sincerest apologies for the delay in getting this written and uploaded, I’ve been struggling a lot with my health the past few months and after a particularly scary hospital stay, things finally seem like they might be on the mend. So here’s hoping this is worth the wait! As usual if you have any questions, comments or concerns, feel free to contact me!
> 
> If you'd like to hear the song that inspired the title of this fic (and loosely the fic itself), it's [here.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jJaT7qQpaqs)
> 
> And the chapter title is [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qdOHPjMzY8s)
> 
> Come find me on [Tumblr!](https://surfaces-ao3.tumblr.com/)

**Author's Note:**

> Sneaky kitty! Here's hoping you all enjoy this one. I'll show you all my inspiration for Hux's shop as soon as I learn how to add pictures! I'll also be building a playlist of all the songs mentioned throughout this story. Also I have absolutely nothing against the websites mentioned here, I'm not a horrible hipster!
> 
> Tags will be updated as chapters progress. No smut any time soon, I'm sorry. I hope you'll bear with me! As usual this would not have happened without the help and support of my wee cactus, Wintress <3
> 
> As usual, if you have any questions, comments or concerns, feel free to contact me!


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